


House Not A Home

by Fe_yre



Category: BLURRYFACE - Twenty One Pilots (Album), Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bandom - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Fanfiction, Homelessness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Past Child Abuse, but it gets better, but it's happy i promise, current emotional/psychological abuse, humor kind of because laugh through the pain am i right, mentions of abuse, mentions of depression, most likely, other band members and crew because i can't make up OC's sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-07-22 12:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7439767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fe_yre/pseuds/Fe_yre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seeing him in that situation felt like fate, but Josh was never one to believe in that. Now they both have to wonder what exactly this means for them.<br/>Fate can be good.. or bad. And neither can tell what type this is.</p><p>¬¬ For the following week, Josh would find himself thinking about the boy and his words and had to distract himself, until he finally was able to quiet his mind again for the most part. And though every time he visited the forest he would now find himself looking up at the sky, it would be weeks before he really thought about the boy again. But when he did, his whole life got snapped sideways. And maybe that's how he'd always wanted it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. intro

**Author's Note:**

> I can not summarize anything and I'm sorry about that.  
> In this, Josh's family is nothing like his real life family and again, I'm sorry about that.  
> Short chapter used as introduction cliche

= Josh Dun loved his house. 

This did not mean, that he loved his home.

Josh loved that his room was the only bedroom on the top floor. He loved the set of stairs that creaked, letting him know when people were coming up. He loved that it had so many doors to leave from, and so many more windows. He loved that his house was situated at the edge of a huge thicket. This, made it inconvenient for anyone else trying to get there; but perfect for Josh. Then he could leave that room he loved, go down those stairs he loved, and out a window or door he loved, so he could leave the home he hated in favour of the forest he longed for.  
He hadn't known today was going to be a forest day. When he woke up at nine to already hear shouting from downstairs he thought maybe it would stop and be everything would be fine. When he pulled on his grey hoodie and heard the stairs let out a sound of alarm, he thought maybe it was a forest day. When he slipped out his window and climbed onto the roof right as he heard pounding at his door, he knew it was a forest day. And he'd known he'd made the right choice, when he heard his door slam open and then his dad mutter swears under his breath upon seeing the empty room.  
Josh briefly considered that he should just go to a friends house as he walked along his roof towards the tree he'd scaled a hundred times. He paused and looked out at the clearing of trees spider-webbing together and the thought was immediately dispelled. He made sure none of his siblings were outside before he jumped lightly, grabbing ahold of the larger branches and paused again. He wasn't a great climber and if it was any other tree he probably would've fallen by now, but he'd been down this tree so many times that he figured he could probably do it in his sleep. He got to the lower branches and jumped down to the ground with around four feet to spare. It wasn't a big jump and he landed clumsily, but he always got a little bit of a thrill. Walking towards the inviting branches, he heard a distant noise from the inside of his house, and once again he thought about how much he loved the exits in his house.

Josh was surprised to find himself smiling as he came to the edge of the thicket. A few years ago he would've never thought he'd so frequently go on morning walks. Though, his morning walks lasted much longer than most people's. As he moved, he scanned the underbrush for any sign of small animals, but as usual there was nothing. He thought it was strange that he'd spent so much time here and never came across anything besides squirrels and rabbits and birds. Then again, he figured if he was an animal and a boy like him came here, he'd probably hide too. He grinned at that, imagining himself as some small animal watching a clumsy boy with bright red hair and a grey personality wander through his home. This would be a home he could love.  
It wasn't that Josh loved quiet, in fact given how hard he pounded on drums it was probably quite the opposite. Josh loved sound and energy, but he hated the skewed version of it that he lived with. He was fond of yelling when it wasn't directed towards him for something he shouldn't be yelled at for. He loved noise when it wasn't the sound of something breaking dangerously close to his head. He loved energy when it wasn't being used to hurt him. And he loved emotion when his weren't being wrecked. Unfortunately, if he used any of his damaged emotions he knew he'd just end up in more pain. So he kept them to himself.  
Originally, Josh viewed this place as solely an escape route. Another door or window for him to jump through. Now he realised that this place was what lay behind the door. It was a place that he felt purposeful in and that was rare. Josh only ever felt purposeful in two places. One, his friend's basement where he could abuse the drum set he kept a secret from his parents. And two, in this space, though he didn't know why it made him feel purposeful. It wasn't like he was contributing to anything here, then again he figured he wasn't contributing anything by drumming either so maybe his sense of purpose was lie. He shook his head, not letting himself dwell on that. Too many times had he been led to existentialism because he was stuck in his own head. Maybe existentialism was good for people as it keeps you feeling small, but it was too closely tied to his emotions that he easily broke down when this happened. So, he shut that off.  
Quite possibly the only complaint he had about this place, was that there was no clearings for him to use as a landmark. Being surrounded by the same trees and bushes on all sides was a strange feeling when there was absolutely nothing to look at and think, "Oh, that boulder means I'm halfway through." or "Oh the uncovered pipes, I need to turn here or I'll be too far from the house."  
It was sort of like an altered version of reality, like something you'd see in a dream. Dozens and dozens of trees in every way, no path just sections with a few less obstacles, Everything green and brown and vibrant, sun filtering onto the detritus and leaves. Maybe it was because of this trance-like feeling that drove Josh further into the trees when he heard a voice. He'd encountered homeless people here before and he'd always walked the opposite direction without a second thought. This place was his place to be by himself.  
But he'd never heard a homeless person sing.

Josh was confused as to why anyone would come here to do something like sing. There was no de-forested spot with a bench and an aesthetic angle to take pictures of. This was a thick, mossy forest with branches that scratched and poison ivy hiding all around the edges. Not exactly a place he'd imagine he'd come to sing at.  
He stopped short and instinctively drew himself behind a tree when he spotted movement. A boy was laying on his back in the dirt, one hand balling his black shirt on his chest, and the other buried deep into the dirt. Josh wrinkled his nose at that, the dirt was probably full of bugs and animal shit why would anyone put their hands in it? He noticed the boy was visibly shaking and when he opened his mouth and a choked sob came out, Josh felt himself tense up. Was this person here to cry? Who sings while they cry? Should he stop them, try to cheer them up?  
But when the boy drew in a shaky breath, Josh felt glued to the spot.

"Down in the forest  
We'll sing a chorus  
One that everybody knows"

The boy paused again to breathe. His voice was cracking and Josh could see tears running down the his cheeks. He had a voice that probably could sound amazing, but right now was raw and achy. So why doesn't he just stop? If he couldn't even get out one line without breaking down? Why not let himself calm down?  
Josh jumped when the boy screamed and his foot slammed into the dirt in a sort-of beat.

"Hands held higher"

Josh frowned at himself, his heart was pounding. He blamed it on the fact that the screaming had scared him. 

"We'll be on fire" 

The boy took a deep breath once more and Josh tried to school himself, tell his heart to stop beating so fast. The emotion in this boy's voice was intense and Josh felt drawn to it though he couldn't fathom why. Maybe it was his "Mother-hen senses" wanting to make the boy stop crying. But when he opened his mouth again, Josh almost started walking towards him.

"Singing songs that nobody wrote" He yelled again but with less force. He wasn't crying nearly as much, and his foot came to a rest in the dirt. He was still clutching the earth in his fingers so tightly that Josh wondered if he'd ever get it out from underneath his fingernails. He heard him muttering the same lyrics again, just staring up at the sky. Josh looked up too, that was something he had never done before in this forest. He'd always been so focused on the trees that he hadn't really been concerned with the sky. He figured he saw enough of that everyday. But with the light filtering through the leaves and the odd grey-blue color the sky gave off, he was brought back to his altered-reality thought. Josh looked back at the boy who was no longer crying, just staring into the sky with his hand shoved into the ground and his shoes covered in muck. He made himself memorize the brown hair, the rubber band he saw on the boy's wrist, the tear stains, the cut off shirt and red socks. He made himself memorize the things he sang and this exact scene. And then he stood, and walked away with his hands in his hoodie's pockets. 

For the following week, Josh would find himself thinking about the boy and his words and had to distract himself, until he finally was able to quiet his mind again for the most part. And though every time he visited the forest he would now find himself looking up at the sky, it would be weeks before he really thought about the boy again. But when he did, his whole life got snapped sideways. And maybe that's how he'd always wanted it.


	2. House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright to be clear, Josh has a lot of emotional trauma he's (not) dealing with, and he's very afraid for right now. But it does get better.. and intense.. but that's for later.

= Josh woke up to a dry throat and gray in his vision. He blinked a couple of times and shifted so that the blanket over his face came off and fell onto his chest. He sat up, cursing at himself for panicking. Obviously it was just the blanket, why had his heart sped up like that? He sat against the wall with his hands resting on his knees and his head tilted to the side, listening for any noise downstairs. He hadn't eaten yesterday and he was hoping he could manage to sneak some food up to his room without his parents noticing. He normally would've tried to get money and keep non-perishable snacks in his dresser or something, but he hadn't been able to find work recently. Not very many places offered jobs to teenagers. And the ones who did, took one look at Josh's dyed hair and piercings and decided they really didn't need an employee that badly.   
He'd already done yard-work for all his friends parents and he didn't think Brendon's mom needed him to do anything inside the house anymore. He sighed when he heard voices from downstairs. He'd really hoped no one was here. Glancing out his window, Josh saw that both cars were gone and his head snapped up. If it was only his siblings he could manage going downstairs for a food trip, right?  
He stayed still for a few moments but when his stomach growled in protest, he decided to get up.  
On the stairs he skipped the third, sixth, and seventh stair so that they wouldn't make any noise. He hovered at the bottom of the stairwell for a couple moments before taking a deep breath and turning the corner into the kitchen.  
Josh looked very much like his brother and sisters. Anyone who saw them together could easily tag them as siblings even though all their hair was different colours and they all had drastically different styles. Their faces were a dead give away even with Josh's nose ring. They all carried themselves the same way in public which everyone loved to mention to their parents, not realising they were just causing more trouble.  
Josh stepped into the kitchen and was greeted by three sets of eyes. Jordan and Ashley held his gaze for a moment, but quickly diverted their eyes. Josh cleared his throat and opened the pantry. He winced as he felt Abbie's eyes boring into him. The atmosphere was always heavy down here, but Josh hadn't thought all three of them would be in here.

"Josh." He closed his eyes, taking a breath before steeling himself to answer.

"Yeah?" He said, aiming for nonchalance and coming off more guarded. Though he definitely was guarded. In fact he was more guarded around his siblings than he ever was around his parents.

"I haven't seen you in a couple days." She said, stubborn. He looked to his other siblings for help but they remained looking at the floor.

Abigail was the youngest, but that didn't stop her from speaking her mind. He wished more than anything she would keep her mouth shut. His stomach twisted when he turned to face her and saw her entire shoulder bruised. Guilt and anger shot through him and he had to take a few moments to calm himself before he could look at her. "Yeah, I've been busy with work and stuff." He said, already edging back towards the kitchen door. He'd just grabbed whatever they had more than one of, not really looking. He wasn't picky. 

"School's starting back up in a few days." 

"Yes it is."

"Are you going?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

She said nothing but her eyes never left his and he felt himself sweating. He had long ago given up the title as "Savior" he should've claimed as the oldest sibling. If anything Abbie was the savior, she took the most. Josh was the coward, and a complete asshole for leaving them by themselves. But that would mean putting his emotions front and center and he wouldn't ever do that again.   
Jordan and Ashley's eyes were on him now too. Not strong and hard like Abbie's, but defeated and pleading. He couldn't look at them. He turned around and headed for the hall quickly. 

He supposed he wasn't very hungry anymore, and he dumped everything into his top drawer and sat on his bed. He needed to calm himself down. Josh wasn't a hero and his siblings knew that very well so why did they have to look at him like that?  
He rubbed his eyes, his mind wandering back to Abbie's bruise. He wondered what she'd done to get that. She was always the one to talk back, call out a protest, make a comment. He supposed that was one way his siblings were all different.   
Abigail was snarky and sassed and didn't learn lessons. Ashley was silent and scared and caved in on herself. Jordan cried and yelled. And Josh left them all here while he ran and hid.

Abbie had mentioned school, spring break was ending and Josh was glad of it. School was an excuse to be out of the house for half the day, not that he needed an excuse really. But he wasn't going to have a run-in with a gang at school or accidentally piss of a homeless man. Josh could fake his way through classes easily enough and as annoying as the school therapist was, he could manage. he had a few people he talked to and both Brendon and Debby's parents let him over at their houses frequently. He figured if he was a parent and his kid started hanging out with a kid like him, he'd probably move. He didn't even know why people talked to him, not that he was complaining. Brendon let him play drums in his basement and Debby's mom always fed him till he could throw up.   
He heard a car door slam outside and his stomach instinctively tightened. He heard footsteps running from downstairs. His sibling running back to their rooms to sit quietly and pretend they were sleeping.   
'Except Abbie' He thought and shook his head. She was probably sitting on the counter still with her stubborn face and a challenge in her eyes. That's why she wore a tank top today, a sign of defiance. If anyone saw it.. God he wished she would just behave. He didn't want to hear Ashley crying in her room anymore over Abbie's pain. He rolled his shoulders, maybe it was a forest day.   
He looked out the window. His mom's car, good. Maybe Abbie wouldn't suffer another bruise for now. He craned his neck to look at the forest, and then looked up at the sky. It always looked so different from the forest. He sat back down on his bed, he couldn't go right now. Not feeling like this, he'd end up breaking down. He needed to get a hold on his emotions before he did anything.

 

__________________

 

= Josh didn't wake up to gray today. He would've much preferred it. He hadn't been able to sleep through Jordan's yelling until very late, so when the stairs creaked in warning, he hadn't woken up. Instead, when his door hit the wall with a ridiculous amount of force he was up in two seconds. His heart was hammering and he stared at his sister, trying to slow his breathing.  
'Just Abbie, just Abbie, just Abbie.' His mind raced.

She looked back at him, she was wearing long sleeves. He looked away. He wished he had woken up to grey.

"What are you doing up here?"

"School, Josh. We walk the same way." 

He'd forgotten. Abbie was the only one in middle school and Josh went to a different high school than Ashley and Jordan. His parents would've never allowed them all to go to the same school.

He nodded and put his shoes on before pausing. "Is.."

Abbie looked at him.

"Are they.. down there..?"

Her eyes glinted with something he didn't want to recognize. "No. Mom is in her room but Dad left."

Josh nodded and followed her out, wincing when she clambered over the loud steps without a second thought. Then again, how would she know how to sneak through the house unnoticed? She took everything head on she didn't spend her time listening at vents and sneaking in and out at all times of the day.  
She didn't speak to him as they moved, but every so often he felt her eyes burning into him and he couldn't help but be relieved he only had to walk up the street with her before they turned seperate ways. Why had she insisted on walking with him, why couldn't she just hate him like Jordan did? 

Sometimes, Josh wondered how Brendon met up with him at the corner of the block to walk to school, but never realise how close Josh lived to him. He hoped he never realised. Brendon was a good person to be friends with because he would talk to you for hours without expecting input. Josh liked to listen.  
He did however; ask Josh about his schedule, to which Josh pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and gave it to him. He never understood why classes go switched halfway into the semester. Brendon grinned.

"Awesome we have third and fifth together."

"Awesome." Josh repeated.

Brendon went off on another tangent and Josh realised they were at school only when he heard someone call out Brendon's name. Josh tried not to sigh as he watched brendon split away from him to go talk to a boy with dark hair. As much as he loved the distraction that school posed, handling people wasn't his strong point. He made it into the hallway and sat in front of the lockers outside out of his first class. They was still probably ten minutes till class started, though Josh wouldn't know. Not like he had a phone. He settled for watching people pass by. Mostly there were couples that acted like they were never going to see eachother again. Josh had never been one for relationships. He could barely handle friendships. He could barely handle himself.  
Other's started lining up along the lockers and Josh sighed before standing up. He gave up watching people and looked blankly at the floor in front of him until the bell sounded and a woman pushed the door open from inside and smiled at him. Josh blinked and walked inside, immediately heading for the back corner. He kept his head down until he heard the shifting of chairs and people talking quiet down. He sat up and leaned back in his chair. Good. There wasn't anyone directly next to him, just a boy with his head in his hands to the left of him in the row in front of his and a group of people on the other side of class in his row. The other's were obviously a group of friends who didn't much care about this class from the looks of it. He looked back over to survey the boy. He couldn't see his face but he frowned at his brown hair.   
Brown hair.

Oh. 

Josh's heart stuttered in his chest as he took in as many details as he could from where he was sitting. He saw a rubber band loose around the boy's wrist and he was wearing a black hoodie and jeans. Josh leaned to the side to catch sight of the muck covered shoes he'd burned into his memory, and frowned when he saw floral.   
'Okay. All black clothes, head down with floral shoes.' Not what he was expecting.

Then he saw the boy's head turn and Josh wondered if he was surveying the others like Josh. He was answered when his eyes met the boys. His breath hitched but he couldn't tear his eyes away. Josh held his gaze until the teacher cleared her throat and the boy's eyes turned towards her.   
Josh's heart was hammering, it was just like the first time he'd seen him. Except now he wasn't crying and screaming, but Josh's reaction was the same. 

The teacher made everyone go around and say their names and one thing they like, and when the boy very monotonously said: "Tyler, music." Josh wished the boy would've sat next him. 

When it was Josh's turn he locked eyes with the boy again. He didn't know what made him do it. His head screamed that he needed to get his heart rate under control. He should look at the floor right now and say his name and make up something stupid just like every other class he'd done this for.  
Instead he opened his mouth and said, "Josh Dun. Trees." Matching Tyler's tone. He saw Tyler's eyebrow quirk slightly and swore he saw a smirk flash across his face before the teacher cleared her throat again to start introducing herself. He barely even heard her at this point. 

 

_______________

 

= Josh sat next to Brendon at lunch just like he'd done everyday for the past two years and a half years and let him talk. Josh found himself scanning shoes. He wanted to punch himself in the face. First he'd said that stupid thing in class while staring at Tyler, and now he was actively seeking him out.   
Josh didn't need to make friends with anyone because he had Brendon and Debby and a few others that he could let talk to him and in return he could have an excuse to not be at his house.  
New people meant dealing with new emotions and Josh would rather defuse a bomb. 

"You wanna come to my house after school Josh?" Brendon asked and Josh nodded. He needed to drum to get his mind off of this.

 

_______________

 

= Josh was awake long before the stairs creaked today. Out the window, down the tree, down the street, meet Brendon, get to school, sit in front of the lockers, get in class, survey. They had an alternating schedule so he had to do the whole "Introductions" thing over again three more times today. He sat in the same spot in all of the classes he could. Though today when he looked around he was disappointed when he saw no sign of brown hair and a rubber banded wrist.   
He told himself to stop being disappointed.   
Class, break, class, lunch, class, walk home.   
Brendon didn't offer to hang out with Josh today so he walked home, checking the driveway before going through the front door. He didn't blame Brendon, he wouldn't want to hang out with him everyday either. He froze in the living room when he was met by his sister's eyes. 

"Didn't see you this morning." She said.

"Left early."

"I know." 

Josh heard a car pull into the driveway and held eye-contact with his sister. She was looking at him bird-eyed, her arms crossed.

'Run run run run run run run run run run'

He couldn't pull his gaze from her's. He heard the door shut and tensed. 

'Run run run run run run run run run run' 

It was too late. Josh's mom came into the living room and stopped walking when she saw Josh. 

His sister kept her eyes on him, and Josh looked at his mom. His stomach was in his throat and his heart was trying to escape his ribcage.

"Joshua and Abigail." She said, her eyes lingering on Josh. 

"Mom." They both replied swiftly and automatically. Not replying held a far worse fate than any sass Abbie could be punished for.

"The two rebels." She said, almost to herself and Josh's stomach clenched. The whole room seemed to tense and he willed Abbie to keep her mouth shut.

"I haven't seen you in a while Josh." she said and Josh screamed at himself to breath. He saw Abbie open her mouth and he let her.

"Not that you care much." Josh shut his eyes when he saw his mom's head snap towards Abbie. When he opened his eyes again Abbie's eyes were still on his.

"Excuse me?" 

Abbie's gaze was challenging him. He would not rise to it. He couldn't.

"I said, not that you care much. Do you, mom?" Abbie said, her eyes finally leaving Josh's. Josh felt like he could finally move again and that's what he did. He flew backwards, reeling back out the front door. He heard his mom shriek out his name and he sprinted straight into the trees. 

 

Running was all Josh knew for a while. He didn't try to register how far away he was getting or if he was hurting himself. He didn't care.   
That was so stupid of him. He should've come in through the window. He should've ran when he heard the car. Abbie's gaze had held him there. He shouldn't have even gone home.  
He slowed his feet but his heart was racing and his mind was worse. This was the worst. This was the exact thing he was always avoiding. Getting worked up like this was the worst thing for him to do. He felt tears stinging behind his eyes and he wanted to bash his head against a tree. He let himself sit down to catch his breath.  
It was time to turn off what he was feeling. It was time to go back to grey he didn't want these other colors in his head. They could stay away forever. He'd rather live in the same routine everyday than let himself act like this. That was a lie. Josh thrived on the other colors. It filled him with adrenaline, it's the reason his heart sped up so fast and his brain wouldn't process things correctly. But tears were also working their way out of his eyes and he wanted to throw up. It wasn't his fault he was broken.   
He looked up at the sky through the trees and suddenly his thoughts were on Tyler.   
Tyler who'd he'd seen nearly a month ago with his body pressed into the dirt and tears on his face. Josh almost laughed out loud. Now he was in the same position. But he knew how to turn it off. He wonder if Tyler knew. He supposed he wouldn't have been screaming into the forest if he knew.   
Josh wiped his eyes, feeling his heart slow down. His mind slowed considerably too and he closed his eyes. He wouldn't go back today. Even if that meant sleeping on the ground. Wouldn't be the first time.

 

_______________

 

= Sleeping on dirt was unfortunate for Josh's back and his clothes. He stood and threw his hoodie off. If he went to school with a hoodie covered in dirt, even Brendon would ask questions. The sun was barely up and he wished he had a phone just so he knew how long he needed to wait before he could meet Brendon at the corner. 

He ended up walking to Brendon's house, and got there right as Brendon was coming out the door.

"Josh? What are you doing man?"

Josh shrugged, "Woke up early and got bored." 

Brendon grinned, "Alright, let's go."

Walk to school, sit in front of the lockers, get into class, head down.

He heard a chair in the row in front of him scrape and he picked his head up. 

Brown hair, rubberband, grey shirt, black pants, floral shoes.

Tyler's eyes met his and Josh felt similar to how he had when Abbie locked her gaze on him.

Tyler's stare didn't waver and Josh found that immensely interesting. With his sister, her whole appearance screamed "Stubborn". The crossed arms, fierce look, mouth set.   
Tyler's look seemed to say "Scared and anxious", but something in his eyes was... strong..?

 

He saw Tyler's gaze flicker to Josh's hair and then he turned and sat down, "Nice hair."

Josh froze, He wasn't expecting Tyler to say anything to him, and his heart sped up. 

"Nice voice." Stupid, stupid, stupid, he was so immensely stupid. Josh was tearing himself apart in his mind. What was wrong with him and what in god's name compelled him to say that? If it were anyone else he would've just pretended not to hear them, what was he doing?

"I don't think you'd know that." Tyler said, almost too quietly for Josh to hear, but he met his eyes again.

Josh raised his eyebrows knowingly while his mind screamed in every way possible. 

Tyler raised his too and Josh thought he saw that smirk again, but it was quickly gone when the teacher started up class.

Josh was going to fail this class. It was two days in and he barely knew what subject this was. He couldn't hear over the blood rushing in his head. What was wrong with him? He needed to get out of here, his mind was assaulting him. Why did he even say anything?

 

Break, class, lunch, class, walk home.

Brendon asked him if he wanted to come over and Josh was surprised to hear himself say no.   
He was even more surprised when he found himself walking past his house and straight towards the forest.   
He let himself. If he had another run-in with his sister or his parents, he might not have an easy escape.  
He didn't know where he was walking until he heard him.   
Josh's mind slammed to a complete halt and then, whirred back to life. He took off running towards the voice.  
His feet slammed into the ground loudly and he didn't care, he stopped when he saw movement but he'd already heard him approach. 

Tyler was staring directly at him, his eyes were red. 

 

"I scream, you scream, we all scream  
'Cause we're terrified of what's around the corner  
We stay in place  
'Cause we don't wanna lose our lives  
So let's think of something better."

 

Josh gulped and came closer to Tyler. Who sings even when people are obviously watching? He forced the words into his brain, wrapping them into his memory so he could think about them later. 

"Hey." Tyler said, eyebrows raised but he only seemed mildly surprised. Josh on the other hand, was in complete shock. Not at seeing Tyler again but that he'd made himself seen, that he'd run here without thinking about it. What was wrong with him today?

"Hey." He said, out of breath slightly.

"So.. come here often then?" Tyler said.

Josh snorted and then felt like he was going to throw up.

"I gotta go." He said, and then took off towards his house before Tyler could reply. His mind was basically on fire and he didn't even care at this point. He climbed up the tree felling every grip he had on the bark, he was too aware of his ankles hurting when he jumped to his roof. He was too bothered by the cut on his arm. He laid on his bed with his heart pounding in his head, his brain was shooting Tyler's words at him and he tried desperately to turn off his mind, but he was too excited. He fell asleep with Tyler's voice in his head and he didn't dream of grey.


	3. Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short(ish) chapter. Lot's in store for next chapter. Reminder that both Josh and Tyler are going through stuff at this point. Josh especially. That's all for now.

= Josh was a lucid dreamer. He had been since as long as he could remember and he was glad of it. When you knew you were dreaming, you also knew your physical body was defenseless. If Josh heard a crash from downstairs now he could wake himself up and leave. Josh's dreams were normally pretty standard, saying he knew he was dreaming and could usually control them. If he saw anyone he didn't want to see he could think of them being whisked away and suddenly it happened. Most of his dreams were usually consisting of him standing, watching something play out. He was always in a type of weird nauseating spin cycle of a setting. Dark shadows, occasional trees, voices rushing by, horns possibly, flashes of old yards or basements, a strange sense of tumbling.  
He wished he could bring somebody in here with him. He almost laughed at that. Who would want to be in his head?  
Then, as if on cue he realised he wasn't alone. From seemingly nothing, a figure started to materialize in front of him and the background tightened and spun until he realized he was obviously in the forest and he was with Tyler Joseph.  
Dream Tyler was exactly like real life Tyler, floral shoes and all. Josh frowned, was he really so obsessed with this boy that he'd created a perfect dream copy of him?  
Though something seemed wrong, and Josh quickly felt fear hit him when he realised dream Tyler was staring directly at him. This was wrong, his dreams always played out in front of him as if he was watching from a screen. He was rarely in his own dreams and if he was it was like another copy of him that he could watch.  
Apparently Josh's subconscious had also perfectly re-created Tyler's stare. Which is strange because how do you re-create something you can't even explain?  
It was.... vacant, and yet... full... yeah. It was like Tyler had been drained of everything he was and turned into a frail husk, and then re-filled with something raw and unfiltered. Somewhere within that re-filling process Tyler had lost his social norms. When Tyler saw that you noticed him staring, he didn't turn away, he didn't blush he just kept at it with an almost expressionless stare. And yet, it was full of expressions... Josh told himself not to think about it.  
And then dream Tyler's mouth opened and real-life Tyler's voice came out sounding exactly like Josh remembered. Dream Tyler's mouth wasn't moving which Josh knew was because he hadn't watched real-life Tyler's mouth move before, but it was still disconcerting.  
He had, however listened to real-life Tyler's voice very closely. It was fragile and yet not at all weak. It was like glass that would fracture into pieces so sharp that they'd go through your eye and into your brain if you pressed on it too hard. Josh quickly thought about something else before his mind could create a visual to go along with that thought.  
Suddenly light filtered into his yes and when he could see again dream Tyler was gone, and he was back in to washing-machine-like-setting. He was alone again. And then he wasn't. Panic lit up his entire body when he realised his parents were standing behind him. His dad was holding papers in his hand and his mom's face was frozen in a gasp. This wasn't supposed to happen. He'd stopped dreaming about this years ago. He hadn't let himself.  
'Out, out, out, you need out right now'

His dad's mouth opened and he let out an inhuman noise. Josh was fucking terrified. 'OUTOUTOUTOUTOUT'  
The same sound came from his mom's slack jaw, and suddenly it clicked. 

They'd creaked.  
'Stairs, out, get out right now.'

 

Josh's body convulsed slightly as he came awake. It was too late to get out but he was on his feet when a knock sounded at the door. And when it swung open he was shocked to see Ashley standing there. 

"Ashley?" He said, and then he registered the tears on her face and the blood dripping off her arms.

"... Help me... please?" She choked out.

 

Josh froze, his mind immediately went through different stages. Relief, paranoia, fear, guilt, worry, suspicion. And them 'Run, get out. Nothing good will comefrom this she can do it herself don't freak out.'  
Josh didn't listen.

He made a mad dash around his room and then sat Ashley on a chair and put a bucket under her arms.  
There was no bathroom up here and he was not about to go downstairs.  
He began to pour water from a water bottle over her arms and washed the blood away with his hands. 

She was still crying, but they didn't speak. He wanted to ask her what had happened. He wanted to yell. Ashley was the good one, she didn't run away or sass or yell. She did as she was told, she was quiet. Why was she the one hurt?  
He told himself it didn't matter. It never mattered why it happened it only mattered that it was over. That's the only thing that could matter because if they focused on anything else they might go mad. 

So, they didn't speak as he wrapped her arms in bandages. When she stood and took the bucket he didn't say anything. She'd stopped crying.

"Thank you." He heard as the door shut. His mind was practically mauling itself.  
'Why didn't you listen you never listen you are so stupid look now you're upset you're feeling she made you feel.'

Josh looked down at his hands and suddenly he wished Ashley left the bucket in here. He poured the rest of the water on his hands and let it drip onto the floor. He didn't care.

He looked out the window but his mind screamed at him that he wasn't allowed so he sat instead. 

He told himself he was shaken up because of the blood. He was lying to himself. He told himself to believe they lie. He didn't.

He wanted to go to the forest, he wanted to see Tyler, he wanted to hear him sing. What was wrong with him? He didn't want that. He should go back to sleep, he should calm down before things got out of hand, he should lay down.

He was out the window and running towards the trees. He wanted to hear Tyler he needed to find him. He needed to see him, he needed to ask him how he could stand there with fear blatantly in his eyes and sing so proudly. His mind told him he needed to go back, to calm himself. Shut off.  
He didn't want shut off, he wanted to find Tyler.  
He was running too fast to be looking, but he was listening.  
He wanted to hear a choked sob, a broken voice, words that he would want to write on his body and breathe in.  
All he heard was the pounding of his feet and his heartbeat in his ears.

He tripped and let himself hit the ground, barely registering the pain. The ground was nice, it was cold and he rolled onto his back and let tears run out of his eyes. The release felt amazing but was quickly replaced with panic.

'Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Why are you crying here what are you doing get up get up get up. If your parents saw you you know what they would do to you. You're showing weakness. You're being weak. Get up, get up, get up, get up.'

Why wasn't Tyler her he was always here before why wasn't he here he was supposed to be here he needed to be here. Josh wanted to hear him he wanted to see he needed to.

'Leave leave leave get up get out right now leave shut off your emotions before they kill you.'

Josh screamed over his mind. Why wasn't he here he wanted him to be here he needed to hear him. He needed to see that look in his eyes and learn and listen, he needed to feel. He hated feeling, he needed to feel, he needed to know, he needed to know, he wanted to know, he wanted to feel, he needed Tyler here. Why wasn't he here.

 

_____________________

 

= Tyler was a whole lot of things. But focusing on how many things he was made his head hurt, so he tried hard to focus on one thing at a time. Usually, he focused on how observant he was. He wasn't observant in a deductive sort of way, he couldn't tell you where'd you'd been by the dirt under your nails or the smell on your clothes; but he loved watching human reactions.  
That made him sound like some sort of weird robot, and maybe he was. Where was proof he was completely human? Tyler just really liked to watch people's eyes light up or fill with tears, the quirk of a smile or how confidence could change the way a person walked.  
It wasn't that Tyler wasn't familiar with emotions, in fact he was a bit over familiar if he was being honest. But he liked that, if he couldn't show his own emotions than why did he have them?  
The problem with being so observant of people, was that he had a hard time focusing on school work.  
Along with failing classes, observancy came with finding certain people Tyler became obsessed with. Well, really one person. Joshua Dun seemed to have a different personality in every class he was in. And that interested Tyler immensely.  
Usually in this class, Tyler was too focused on watching Josh to pay attention. Now, he was too focused on Josh being absent to pay attention. And sure, he'd immediately dismissed it as Josh having a sick day... but something about the way he saw Josh flinch away from people in the halls. The dip of his head when a fight breaks out on campus, or the way he refused to meet eyes with almost everyone he talked to. It made Tyler want to find Josh. So, that's what he did.

"I need to go to the bathroom." He said, standing suddenly.

The teacher, obviously very upset that she was interrupted said, "There isn't that much longer left in class. You can wait."

Tyler's mind was filled with finding Josh and he refused to be distracted. 

"I will pee all over the floor if you don't let me leave."

The teacher blinked. He heard a few people laugh and a few let out a sound of disbelief. Regardless, Tyler was allowed to leave.

 

He groaned when he saw a security guard walking towards him. Now he had to pretend like he was going to the guidance counsellor. Now he had to walk all the way to the other side of the school and go through a different gate. Now, getting to the forest was going to take another few minutes and Tyler wasn't patient.  
Tyler didn't know why he knew Josh would be in the forest, but he had a feeling and he was following it.  
He began to wonder how Josh got into the forest. Tyler jumped the little barrier off of a back-road and just walked in. A few times he'd set his mind to finding out how big the forest was, he'd tried to run straight through but he'd tired easily and never made it to the other side. Most of the time he was here to let his mind out, today he was here to find Josh.

He didn't expect to almost step on him.

 

_________________

 

= Josh's heart raced a whole lot, but very rarely did he think he was going to have a heart attack. Unfortunately, one of the times he did think this was when a small boy cleared his throat. Well, maybe not small.. Tyler was few inches taller than Josh, but Josh was bigger than him in muscle mass. Then again, Josh was bigger than everyone in muscle mass. Regardless, Josh made a noise in an octave higher than he'd like to admit he could go.  
He blinked at Tyler and Tyler blinked back.  
His brain had come to a sudden halt.

"You weren't in class." Tyler said, his gaze looking exactly like dream Tyler's.

"What?" Josh managed.

"You weren't in class." Tyler repeated. Josh couldn't function, couldn't find words to speak with. He opened his mouth and then shut it.

"Why weren't you in class?" Tyler pressed. His mind stuttered and then everything came down on him like load of bricks.

'Tyler is here, Tyler is here, Tyler is here. School he was at school that's why he wasn't here. He came to find you he came to find you, find you, find you, find you, find you, You're laying on the dirt crying. What is wrong with you, get up he's seen you, he's seen you cry leaveleaveleaveleaveleave.'  
Too fast. TooFastTooFastTooFast. His mind was working too fast.

"I dreamt about you."  
'STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID.' His mind was screaming at him.

Tyler's eyebrows darted upwards, but all he said was, "What did I do?" 

Josh was answering before common sense could kick in. "You were.. staring at me... and um. You sang."  
'WHAT ARE YOU SAYING LISTEN TO YOURSELF YOU'RE LETTING HIM KNOW EVERYTHING YOU'RE LETTING HIM IN. GET HIM OUT GET HIM OUT GET OUT GET OUT'

Tyler grinned and it drowned his thoughts. "What did I sing?"

"What?" 

"What did I sing, in your dream?"

"Same thing you sang..." Suddenly Josh was filled with the desire he had when he left his house. 

"Tyler why did you sing when you saw me."

"Why wouldn't I?"

Tyler's grin must be making him delusional. "You were crying. I saw you crying.. You didn't even try to hide it, you're voice was breaking.. You were making yourself cry why would you do that?"  
He got an uneasy feeling like he shouldn't have asked that.

"You're not trying to hide that you were crying." Tyler said, and Josh quickly ran his arm, over his face.

His stomach clenched with unease. 'HE'S SEEN HE'S SEEN YOU CRY HE KNOWS HE KNOWS HE KNOWS GET AWAY FROM HIM GET AWAY FROM HIM.'

But before Josh could do anything, Tyler had kneeled down to look him directly in the eyes.  
"If I can't cry openly than why would I have the ability to cry?" 

'BAD BAD WRONG LEAVELEAVELEAVE.'

"If I need to hide what I feel, isn't that just going to make me hold everything in my mind? Wouldn't that make me miserable?"

'BADWRONGBADBADWRONGBADWRONGWRONG'

"I trust you to see me cry, Josh. I trust you to hear me sing."

'GETAWAYGETWAYGETOUTGETOUTGETAWAYOUTAWAYGETGETEGETGETGETBADLEAVEBADGETOUT'

But then Tyler opened his mouth and,

"While you're doing fine, there's some people and I  
Who have a really tough time getting through this life  
So excuse us while we sing to the sky"

Josh felt all wrong, the words were going into his head and he knew they'd never leave, just like everything else he'd heard Tyler say. He felt out of breath, too full. He needed to get away, that's what his mind was screaming at him.

"I'm standing in front of you."

'NONONONONONONOLEAVELEAVELEAVEAWAYGETOUTAWAYOUTAWAYAWAYFROMHIMBADBADWRONGHIDERUNGOHIDERUNRUNRUNGETOUT'

His mind was so loud he thought for sure he could block Tyler out, but he knew every word was going to be lodged into his brain. Josh felt himself getting numbly to his feet. 

"We're broken people,"

Josh winced, the screaming in his head was hurting him. It was too much. Toomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuch.  
He didn't want to leave. ut he couldn't stay with all this noise. So, he did what he did best. 

He ran.

"See you tomorrow Josh." He heard before he couldn't hear or think or see or feel until suddenly he was sitting on his bed with splinters in his hands.

 

___________________

 

Josh couldn't do anything but sit for several moments. He couldn't process anything that had just happened. He didn't want to. Yes he did.  
His heart was going too fast. His mind had stopped working. Like a phone that was overheating and then froze when you smashed all the buttons, and then shut down.  
God he wanted to shut down.  
But the universe didn't like him that much.

His mind started screaming vehemently at him. He wanted to scream back.

Tyler's words were firing around like they had been shot out of rockets. They were paired with burning rage from his thoughts and he was again reminded of how much he wanted to shut off. He wanted to silence his mind he just wanted to sleep. He also wanted to hear Tyler again which was the stupidest thing he'd ever thought because why would he want this again?

He knew why he wanted it but he told himself not to think about it. He had to think about it. He wanted to think about it. He didn't want to think about it. He thought about it.  
He wanted to write Tyler's lyrics down over and over and over again. He wanted to bathe in them and everything they meant and he also wanted to deny their existence and pretend he didn't understand their meaning.

Josh eyed his closet door. He knew what was in there; boxes, storage, paint, old garden stuff, winter jackets. He knew what he was going for. He didn't know what he was going to do.

He knew exactly what he was going to do. 

He couldn't focus well with his mind wailing like a siren. 

He screamed over it, loud and insistent he yelled and yelled and yelled until his throat was raw and then he blinked and his mind was silent when he stepped backwards.

Josh gasped and let the paint fall out of his hands. He didn't watch it pour into the carpet because he was too busy looking around the walls. Each one of the was covered in sloppy, rushed, black paint.

Each wall had something scrawled over it. Josh had used his hands, it was written big and affirmational. As if Josh's screaming had gone into the writing.

W E R E B R O K E N P E O P L E

H A N D S H E L D H I G H E R

W E L L B E O N F I R E

S O L E T S T H I N K O F S O M E T H I N G B E T T E R

 

His siblings said nothing, didn't come to check on him. They were too used to screaming, Ashley was probably crying by herself. Jordan was probably holding Abbie back.  
They probably thought mom or dad had finally caught Josh in his room and now he was paying for everything, but no. His parents weren't even home. Josh was being tormented by himself, his mind, a boy with a mind bigger than his body.  
Josh hated that boy.  
Josh loved that boy.

Josh's mind went blank and he felt himself hit the floor and then everything was grey again.


	4. Abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to reply to comments and they got deleted?? Regardless of whether this is the website or my computer's fault, thank you.  
> Little more insight on Tyler, lot more insight on Josh  
> Shorter chapters are easier to write when it comes to this solely because i don't like large time jumps, fight me. Enjoy  
> **** Descriptions of abuse in this chapter. Not too detailed, but still there.

= Josh woke up on the floor, his cheek felt stuck to the carpet and when he pulled his face away he blinked down at a mess. Dried black paint was crusted into a large portion of the carpet. He touched his face and felt it dried there too, he must've fallen asleep on it while it was still wet. With his face down like that, he probably could've drowned in it. He wanted to laugh at that but he didn't. Instead, he blinked up at the walls and registered the very reason he was asleep on the floor covered in wall paint. His work from yesterday had dripped some, making the messages look slightly ominous and ultimately liked they belonged in a basement of some haunted house or something. Then again he thought that if he was someone else and found these words in a room on the top floor of of a house on the corner of a forest, he'd probably find it fitting. He wanted to laugh at that too, but he didn't. Wasn't he supposed to wake up from fainting with some sort of grand emotion? A kind of revelation or something?  
He was hungry.  
He listened for not nearly long enough before bolting down the stairs and into the kitchen, and then directly into his dad. He turned around swiftly, and then looked at Josh with surprise, and already flaring annoyance.  
Suddenly that empty feeling he had disappeared and was replaced with his normal, mile-a-minute, anxiety-pumping mind. And boy did it have a lot to say.  
Firstly it reminded Josh that he was idiot because he had food in his room.

"What the hell is on your face boy? And who do you think you are, running through the house like a madman??"

"Sorry Sir, I didn't mean to." Josh answered automatically and started backing towards the door.

'Get away from here quickly before anything can happen.'  
Josh said before that the universe hated him, and he was given more proof of that claim, because Abbie walked into the kitchen at that moment.  
Her eyes roved over their father and onto Josh's gaze. Their dad was looking at him still, he hadn't seen her yet. 

"I asked you a question." His father's voice was already gaining an edge and fear was wrapping it's way around Josh like a snake.

Abbie must've seen because she opened her mouth. Rage flashed through him and before Abbie or his mind could say anything, he was blurting out a lie.

"Sorry Sir, I had a school project and I was so tired when I came home, I accidentally fell asleep before taking a shower."

His father's harsh gaze turned into a glare. "You think you're tired??"

'WHY DID YOU SAY ANYTHING YOU SHOULD HAVE LET HER SPEAK YOU COULD HAVE RAN'  
Abbie was staring at him wide-eyed and to be honest he was just as shocked as her. Why'd he have to speak out like that? The tone in his father's voice, the look on Abbie's face, the paint on his face was kind of hurting his skin, his mind hadn't stopped shrieking since he'd seen his dad. Too much. Toomuchtoomuchtoomuch.  
Josh was out the door and running towards the stairs. He heard his father shout and then, thudding behind him.

'NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO'

But it was too late, Josh was in his room and his dad was right behind him. He only had a second to realize what he'd just done to himself before he saw his father's eyes take in the room. A look of pure rage came over his face and Josh's heart was a fucking hummingbird at this point.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO WALLS!!" 

'OUTLEAVEGETOUTOUTLEAVELEAVELEAVEOUTGETOUTRUNRUNRUNHESHEREGETHIMOUTLEAVERUNGETOUT'

"WHERE?!!!" He screamed back at his mind.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT TELL ME WHAT YOU DID HERE!!!"

Josh's panic had risen to the point where he wasn't thinking correctly, and all he managed to do was mutter, "Trees." Before his father took a step and punched him square in the jaw. Josh felt his head hit his dresser before his mind went into a blind panic. He couldn't hear anything except a loud ringing, and he wasn't sure what he was seeing was real and what was a memory. Of course, OF COURSE he was having a panic attack. Of course his brain was assaulting him with memories while his dad was doing the physical equivalent. He was seeing a mix of his dad now and his dad two years ago. Somehow even though he had much more grey hair and wrinkles now, his face looked the same. He saw a stack of paperwork being thrown at him but he didn't feel it hit him like it had that night. He saw saw his dad shouting and standing a few feet away from him, and then he recognized that the pain in his face was because he'd just hit it on the corner of his bed.  
Oh no.  
That seemed to knock the ringing out of his ears.  
Now it was mixed between current grunting and threats, and past yelling. The yelling was overpowering the current situation. His mind was for once, not talking (or screaming) at him. So all he could hear now was his parents with their threats and insults and disappointment and rage.  
Because how dare Josh get hit in the face with baseball during freshman year, how dare he go to the school nurse, how dare he accept the pain medicine they gave him when his parents didn't show up, how dare he talk about his feeling with the nurse while on said medicine, how dare he let the nurse write a note to the guidance counsellor, how dare he let the guidance counsellor talk to him, and how dare Josh come home drugged up with a badly bandaged face, and paperwork for a prescription for Vilazodone. How dare he have clinical depression. 

 

_________________________

 

= Tyler's life was quite a story, and no one knew the whole thing except Tyler himself. It wasn't a story he could have shared even if he wanted to for multiple reasons. The less severe being that Tyler didn't really speak to anyone enough to tell them. The only person he'd wanted to talk to in months was an emotionally unstable boy who keeps running from him. The other reason was because technically he was a homeless minor and if he told the wrong person he'd get picked up by the police. Tyler still had an address listed in the school system, still had his mom's phone number listed as emergency contact. But the number was discontinued so..  
He supposed any mail the school sent to that house was probably burnt or something.  
Tyler had been homeless for a very long time because Tyler had always acted like Tyler.

In preschool he was just a "quiet, observant baby." He wished it could've stayed like that, but you can't change the past so he didn't like to dwell.  
In elementary school his watchfulness had granted him the ability to have nearly every teacher describe him as, "A bit strange for a child his age, but still very smart."  
In his first year of middle school though, he'd gotten a very different response from the teachers. He started getting multiple notes home that his "Unwillingness to participate is hindering his learning", or that his "Lack of social cues was not getting him anywhere in the classroom".  
His mom had really tried that year, he gave her that. She sent Tyler to therapy, in which Tyler watched the therapist more than the therapist watched him. She tried to push Tyler into making friends, but he just couldn't be forced. He creeped the other kids out with his silent staring and advanced thoughts. He didn't mind, his mom certainly did though.  
Later that year, Tyler's grandfather on his mom's side had died. At the time, Tyler had never seen how real life people reacted to death, and it intrigued him to say the least. He had never been close to his grandfather, and he didn't necessarily grasp the full concept of death at the time; so he didn't understand why his whole family was suddenly sullen and silent and crying.  
When his mom heard him asking his brother things like, "Why are you crying? You only met him three times." She had stormed in screaming and Tyler had been locked in his room for the day.  
And then the funeral had been open-casket. Tyler had not shed a single tear, and asked his dad if he could move closer so he could see the body.  
And then when they got home, Tyler asked if he could go outside and play basketball and his mom had finally reached her limit. She was really a mess at that point when it came to Tyler. She was screaming and cursing at him and threw her purse so it hit the wall behind him and told him to get out and that if he ever came back she'd burn the house down. Tyler hadn't understood at that point, but he ran. And then he spent the next year watching homeless people go through varying stages of grief until he learned why his mom had did what she did.  
Not that Tyler had no emotions, he wasn't a sociopath or anything in fact he was very emotional guy. He just got so interested in other people that he kind of forgot about himself until he was alone. He had a one track brain and it didn't exclude itself from that.

Now he mainly tried to sleep in places he won't be bothered. That used to mean public toilet stalls and under nice park benches with blankets over his head. But last year he'd started using the forest. At first just the edges, but now he walked quite aways in, though apparently not as far as Josh.  
Now he was walking up the surrounding areas. He wanted to tell himself it was just out of curiosity but he wasn't a liar. Tyler had lived in this town his whole life and he never came over here because security was tighter, houses were tall and loomed over him like his old house had. The only reason he was over here was to scope out possible places Josh could live. He knew it sounded creepy but he also knew no one was there to judge him.  
Eventually he slumped into an alley to rest.  
For some reason they always found each other in the most unassuming times.

 

_______________________

 

= Josh's brain went through quite the bipolar episode of screaming, silence, ringing, and showing Josh lovely memories before he was jolted back into the present when his shoulders hit the wall. His vision to see his dad's fist coming towards him. He ducked left and his dad let out a bellow of rage and Josh's mind screamed one last time before going silent.  
'RUN'  
Without any preamble Josh swung his legs out the window and jumped.

His legs buckled and he hit hard on his elbows and knees. He'd suffered worse, probably. He couldn't really feel anything at this point. He was up and running. He ran the opposite way of the forest. If his dad tried to follow him, he didn't want him anywhere near that place. It was his. Kind of.  
He jumped the fence of the house across the street and ran through their backyard to the road on the other side. Then, he was just trying to get as far away as possible. He blindly turned left and right and over gates before he saw an alleyway to duck into. He sidestepped, heard a soft hum about a gold house, and then tripped and fell on top of Tyler Joseph.  
Tyler blinked at him in faint surprise, and then Josh burst into tears.

 

Josh's tears poured and poured and poured. His vision was blurred, his head had gone silent but he almost wished it would tell him what to do. He manged to peer up at Tyler, who looked kind of overwhelmed and very shocked.  
Josh wanted to laugh. He didn't. He couldn't stop crying.  
He felt a light hand on his bicep. 

"Josh."

Josh figured he would be pretty weirded out if they were in opposite places, so he took a shuddering breath and tried to get himself to stop crying. 

"Josh why are you crying?" Tyler's voice wasn't demanding, and he didn't even sound confused anymore. Just concerned.  
Josh clung to it.

"I'm not sure.." He mumbled.

"Alright." Tyler said. Josh saw his eyes flick over Josh's figure, he realised he was tangled in Tyler's legs and he rolled and turned so he was semi-slouched in front of Tyler, their legs still touching. He could've moved them. He didn't.

"I was running." Josh said numbly.

"From who?" 

"My dad." Why was he telling near-stranger Tyler Joseph about this? He had no idea. Like all of his interactions with him, Tyler seemed to make him act weird. Josh didn't like it. Josh loved it.  
Understanding seemed to light up in Tyler's eyes and Josh waited for the anger-raising pity that came with knowledge. It didn't come.

"What happened to your body Josh." Tyler was speaking evenly, still sounding concerned. 

Josh felt dizzy and nauseous and light-headed and loopy and airy and any other word to describe that.

"Wrote your words on my walls." Josh knew he'd regret telling Tyler any of this. What would Tyler think. Probably thought he was weird for remembering them. But instead Tyler shocked him again.

"Which words?" He said.

Josh smiled. Josh liked Tyler. Josh didn't want to like Tyler. Josh didn't not want to like Tyler.

"All of 'em."

Tyler's eyebrows raised. "All of them?"

Josh shook his head. "No."

Tyler grinned and Josh felt like smiling back. He did. He shouldn't have, he knew it. His mind was certainly going to be unhappy with him later. And yet, he kept talking.  
"My dad saw the wall words. Words on the wall. Your words on my wall he saw them. He saw them. He hated them, I love them, he hates me."

Tyler was silent for a moment, and then said: "Josh, can i clean you up a little?"

 

_____________________

 

= Josh was obviously having a bit of an episode, or coming off of one. And through bits and pieces of out of order information Tyler got while cleaning Josh the best he could with what he had in his bag, he figured of the gist of why.  
Tyler had already had his suspicions about Josh's family life, but he hadn't imagined it to be anything like how Josh was making out to be. Tyler had figured past abuse, given that he'd never seen Josh with bruises or cuts.  
But now he understood it was because Josh was good at escaping.  
He also understood that Josh hated himself.

"Ow." Josh whined when Tyler tapped lightly against his jaw to check if it was broken. 

"Did you hit your face?"

Josh started laughing and Tyler blinked down at him.

"Yeah man, I hit my face." He said.

Tyler realised along with Josh hating himself, his humour was also self-deprecating and he had to have a strong sense of sarcasm. 

They were quiet for a while and Tyler was very aware of Josh watching him. He looked up at him and grinned.

"What man?"

"You'd make a great doctor." Josh drabbled, obviously suffering a post-attack high.

"Dude I just set your arm with a ripped T-shirt."

Josh just hummed and closed his eyes while Tyler tried to get the paint off his face without bothering him too much.  
He wondered if when Josh came off his post-attack-high, he'd still be willing to talk to Tyler. He hoped so, he didn't want him to run again.  
He looked over Josh when he drew his hand back and he bit his lip. Josh looked absolutely wrecked. His lips were puffy and the blood from his nose had dripped onto his chin slightly. His eyes were still shut and Tyler wanted to.. he wanted to.....  
Tyler drew his eyes away and looked back down at his bag, all the social cues he'd ever learned told him now was definitely not the time for anything he was thinking.  
He wasn't sure the extent of Josh's injuries but he'd done his best with what he had, and Josh wasn't bleeding anymore so that meant he'd done good right?  
He hoped he'd helped a little bit, and he hoped that Josh hadn't hurt himself anymore when he tripped over Tyler's legs.

 

_______________________

 

= They sat together, backs against the wall. Josh didn't want to open his eyes. He was listening to Tyler's breathing and he had his face tilted up so the breeze could hit it. He was shocked that his mind was silent, and he almost felt strangely empty.. but he did appreciate not being screamed at for sitting next to Tyler.  
Tyler. TylerTylerTyler.  
Tyler hadn't looked at him with disgust, or pity. Tyler had helped him without asking for anything in return. And now Tyler was sitting with him in an alley, letting him calm down. Josh was slightly mortified that he had broke down like that, or even run into Tyler in this situation. But for some reason he felt like it was probably the best thing that could've happened. 

"I told you I'd see you today." Tyler said quietly.

He knew later, when his mind started back up; he'd be in trouble for it, but he rolled his head to the side and opened his eyes to meet Tyler's gaze. He managed a small smile and Tyler searched his face before returning it. In the back of his mind he knew he had known he'd see Tyler today. He just hadn't anticipated it this way. He as always, was drawn in by Tyler's eyes. It was like looking through a peephole except it lead to like, a fairy forest or something.

"Magic fairy boy." He muttered, and then almost thrust his head directly backwards into the brick wall when he realised he'd said it out loud.

Tyler's eyebrows shot up and he grinned making Josh feel dizzy.

"Space boy." He retaliated and Josh frowned.

Tyler leaned in, "Cause you're out of this world."

Josh snorted and groaned, earning a laugh from Tyler. His jaw hurt and his elbows were probably shattered, but he felt himself almost smiling.  
What was wrong with him?  
Who get's beaten by their father and then smiles twenty minutes later.  
'someone with stockholm syndrome maybe' He thought and then almost outright laughed.  
No, he definitely didn't have that.  
Somewhere in his delirium he thought, 'I should ask Tyler.' But when he turned his head and looked into Tyler's eyes again he forgot the question.

So, now they sat in an alleyway. Backs against the wall, eyes on eachother. Josh wondered if Tyler knew how strange this was. He didn't care.  
He recalled something he'd thought before he'd fainted yesterday.  
'A boy with a mind bigger than his body.'  
This was definitely true. He could see it in Tyler's stare. His mind was like an ocean. Josh was drowning. He didn't mind.


	5. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everytime I write "Had had" in a sentence, I hate everything about it.   
> Some bonding p cute but kind of messed up.   
> Written almost entirely in Josh's perspective. Enjoy

= Josh had had his eyes shut for a while now and Tyler wondered if he'd fallen asleep. He searched over Josh's features. He'd spent so much time watching people sleep that he knew the signs. He frowned, releasing how weird that would sound to anyone else. Sleep immensely interested Tyler because everyone became so... soft. Even people who guard their emotions perfectly, can't keep it up in sleep. Brows raise, mouth slackens, frown lines almost disappear, breathing slows. Like a person in their most honest form. The only problem was that when people were sleeping, he couldn't see their eyes. Unless he held them open. Tyler blinked. Not that he'd done that.  
He wondered if Josh would think he was strange for staring at him like this while he was asleep. Probably, Josh was painfully aware of social norms. Though that really wasn't his fault.  
For a person like Tyler, not following cues was okay because there weren't any repercussions he cared about. Sure, people thought he was weird and stayed away from him, but Tyler didn't want to have to try to impress people by acting like someone else. For Josh though, if he acted out or told somebody something or let someone see a part of him they weren't supposed to see; it could mean a world of pain for him if word got back to his parents. Tyler remembered the times Josh ran from him even though his eyes screamed that they wanted to know more.   
Fear was one of the best motivators in the world.  
Tyler felt a something in the pit of his stomach. He'd started thinking about himself. Quickly he looked down at the floor, trying to reel back. Think about Josh or something, but it was too late.

Tyler had gotten off pretty lucky the first year and a half of his time away from home. The second night he was alone, an older man found him sleeping in a box near a bridge and decided to keep Tyler around with him. This was nice because even though the man was homeless, he worked a part time job at gas station. Tyler never went hungry then.  
Then, he had died in an alley while tyler was sleeping next to him. When Tyler got up and found he wouldn't wake, he began to recognize the traits he'd seen on his grandpa's corpse. That was the first time Tyler felt differently about death.  
He'd been surviving purely on what the man had taught him when he accidentally stumbled into an inhabited backstreet once. This was the first time Tyler had been in a fight. And it was the first time he'd ever thought, "death could happen to anyone."   
It had made him desperate. It had made him scream and twist and bite and poke eyes and do everything he could to get away. And he had, but the thought had never left him.   
In fact, it had plagued him for years. Why did he fear death if it was inevitable? Why had he not thought about it when his grandpa had died? Fear of unknown was a natural human instinct he knew that, but he never thought he'd come to fear something that was a form of release. That was the month Tyler discovered his voice, his words.

"Death inspires me like a dog, inspires a rabbit." He sang lightly.

He turned his head to look at Josh again and was shocked to find brown eyes meet his.   
He didn't care that Josh had heard him, in fact he liked when Josh took an interest in his lyrics; but he had been so sure Josh was asleep.

"You were sleeping." Tyler said, having no problem voicing his thoughts.

"Dude, I have abusive parents. I know how to pretend to sleep."

"Why were you pretending?"

"Wanted to know what you'd do." 

Tyler was surprised. He hadn't expected Josh to be so forward. 

"What were you expecting me to do?"

Josh held his gaze for a few moments before answering. "Leave."

"Why would I leave?"

"Why wouldn't you?"

"I told you, I trust you."

 

_______________________

 

= Josh didn't know what to say to Tyler. Technically he hadn't answered the question, but he'd satisfied Josh in every way.

Finally he gathered his thoughts, "Tell me about the line."

Tyler's eyebrows raised and Josh felt like he should probably be embarrassed or something for asking, but he wasn't. 

"What do you mean?"

"I like when you sing." That was true. God it was true. Josh also hated it. No he didn't. Yes he did. No he didn't. He was too tired to care what his mind would have to say later.

Tyler blinked and Josh spoke again, "I like your lyrics, I think about them a lot. Make me think about them more," he thought for a second. "Please." He added.   
Now Tyler was grinning.  
Josh did think about Tyler's lyrics a lot, hell he wrote them on his wall after all. He hated them, they made his mind too cramped, made him second guess himself. He loved it so much.  
Hearing Tyler sing was like seeing the ocean from the shore. Thinking a little about it was like letting the water wash over your feet, at this point Josh was probably shoulder deep in water.  
He was ready for a wave. He wanted it knock him unconscious, he wanted a current to drag him down. He wanted to be tethered to the bottom of the floor and stay there. He wanted to dig into the ground at the bottom and see what was underneath of that. He wanted to know, he needed to know. He wanted to know. To knowtoknowtoknowtoknow.  
Luckily, Tyler seemed to be willing to tell him.

 

Neither of them knew how long it'd been. How long they'd been sitting against an old building in an alley, talking. It was long enough for Josh to get sore. He shifted so he was laying on his stomach and Tyler put his legs on Josh's back so he could be near enough to talk quietly and be heard. Josh didn't mind. In fact, Tyler probably could've murdered a man and Josh wouldn't have cared at this point because everything Tyler was saying, was the best thing he'd ever heard in his life.   
Josh must've left his house early in the morning because there hadn't been many people. Now they were getting frequent cars and joggers. They had quite a few people glance at them. Tyler suggested they go to the forest.

Josh nodded but he said, "Let's go wherever you get in, I don't want to pass by my house." If he passed by his house too many things could happen.   
A blind could be open, one of his siblings might see him, someone could be outside, he might hear screaming from the yard, he might be able to see the paint on his walls from his open window and have a panic attack. Plus, if he did run into his parents; he didn't want Tyler there. He wanted the forest and Tyler far far away from them.

Josh was worried that he'd throw up in the forest because of memories or something, but as soon as they could no longer see anything but trees; Josh felt himself relax dramatically. Like a knot in his chest had unravelled or something.  
Josh for some reason said he didn't want to get his jeans dirty. He frowned at himself and turned to tell Tyler he was kidding, but stopped short when Tyler launched himself up a tree like a monkey.  
Josh stared up at him as he stopped climbing, feet perched on a knock in the wood and hands on a low-hanging branch. Tyler looked down at him and laughed.  
But Josh could only stare as Tyler climbed. Muscles that seemed non-existent before, now flexed in his arms and back through his muscle shirt.His legs seemed to find purchase too easily and he swung himself up so he was straddling a stronger branch.  
Josh looked away and for some reason his face heated, what was wrong with him?

"Come on." 

Josh looked up at him incredulously. "I only have one arm." He said, motioning to his left arm in a makeshift T-shirt sling.

"It's fine, use it as a brace, and pull with your right hand." Tyler said.

Tyler held one of his long arms down for Josh to hold onto, but he would still have to climb to get to it. He looked at the trunk, he was used to climbing one tree and one tree only. A tree with much lower hanging branches and a much shorter trunk.   
But Tyler was smiling gently at him, and he found himself seeking purchase for his fingers in the bark. He was only a foot up when he started struggling to find hold.

"Relax, put equal weight pushing with your legs and pulling with your arm." Tyler murmured, his hand growing nearer.

Josh rolled his shoulders and worked his way up, using his left arm as a brace by putting his shoulder against the bark, until he grabbed onto Tyler's hand and grinned. The climb was much easier from there, with smaller branches to shift his weight onto temporarily until he could get his leg over the branch and haul himself up next to Tyler. He was grinning and sweating and adrenaline was running through him. Tyler grinned back and Josh got that urge to drown again.  
Tyler pointed directly outwards from them and Josh looked to see a nest of birds in the tree next to them.   
They watched the other trees for a while until Tyler asked what Josh if was going to go back. Josh flinched, but he knew Tyler wasn't trying to be insensitive, so he shook his head.

"What are you going to do about sleeping and eating?"

Josh shrugged. "You're homeless, I'm houseless." 

When Tyler's eyebrows raised, Josh again felt like he should be embarrassed. He wasn't. Maybe it was because it was Tyler he was talking to. There would be no judgement from a boy like Tyler.

Josh motioned around them, "This place... I've been coming here for two years. I've listened to every noise this place makes, every smell it has to offer. I think the stray cats are starting to recognize me."

A small smile came over Tyler's face slowly. "Maybe I should do that too." He said, not breaking eye contact with Josh.

He felt himself grinning again, "Yeah I think so."

 

____________________

 

= Waking up was probably the most foreign thing to Josh at the moment. When you open your eyes and realise that you are several yards away from the ground is very... disconcerting. Also, Josh had definitely expected for his mind to be bothering him again by now. He'd felt so nice and relaxed yesterday, which he thought was real weird because he literally got beat and ran away. Like?? Why was he so happy??   
The thought died on his mind when he looked over to see Tyler half-dangling of the branch.

"Tyler!" He said, a little more loudly than he'd meant to. But it worked, Tyler sat up easily and rubbed his eyes; looking at Josh warily.

"What, dude? Did you have to yell?" He joked.

"Oh sorry, next time I'll let you fall to your imminent death." Josh said, voice full of sarcasm. He'd never be able to do that.

Tyler looked down at the ground and then back up at Josh. "Oh wow, we are in a tree."

Josh gaped at him, "You didn't notice when you woke up? Aren't you sore??"

Tyler shook his head, "No, and by the way; This fall wouldn't kill me. At most I would probably break my legs."

"Right well i don't exactly feel like carrying you around all the time so." Josh contemplated that while Tyler began to climb down.  
'Well...' He thought, before he realised Tyler was already on the ground.

He blinked. "How."

Tyler laughed, "Come on hurry up."

Josh looked over at the trunk, for some reason it seemed much easier to get up than to get back down.

Tyler outstretched his arms. "Jump! I'll catch you." 

Josh snorted and Tyler started laughing at his own joke. What a dork. "My hero." He muttered as he began climbing down the trunk.

When Josh got back down to the ground, he rolled his shoulders and stretched, hearing his back pop satisfyingly. 

"I'm hungry." Tyler said, looking around.

Josh frowned, what was he doing? Looking for squirrels to catch?  
Josh got a sinking feeling in his stomach, he needed to get a few things if he was going to stay houseless. Even Tyler had a backpack and Tyler probably could've survived on leaves if he needed to.

"Um... I need to sneak into my house. Get clothes.. I have some food as well..." He said quietly.

Tyler nodded. "Lead the way."

Josh's stomach clenched and he looked up at Tyler. ".. What?"

Tyler frowned. "Let's go?" He said.

Josh shook his head and his whole world came crashing down when he heard the faintest whisper. But it was there, at the back of his head.  
'No he can't see you saw what your dad did when you showed weakness. He'll see what you really are. Leave Run Get Out.'

"I don't want you to be there in case something happens." Josh said, almost groaning. Why couldn't his mind let him have another day of peace?

Tyler stepped forward, suddenly looking determined. "I trust you, trust me now Josh."

Josh froze. The voice had abruptly stopped at that. Tyler looked set, and Josh did trust him. For some godforsaken reason, he really did trust this homeless almost-stranger with his whole life.

 

Josh may have agreed to letting Tyler come, but it did not mean he was okay with it. His heart was racing and he triple-checked the driveway and street to make sure his parent's cars weren't parked there. He sighed at the familiar feeling of the bark of the tree in his yard, and even with his bad arm; he shot up it with Tyler close behind. When they got onto the roof, Tyler was eyeing strangely.

"What?"

"You climbed... so well.." Tyler said and Josh almost snorted again.

"I will push you of the roof, shut up."

Tyler chuckled a little and let Josh lead the way to his window. He dropped down into his room first and then watched as Tyler landed on his feet near silently. It was almost irritating. It had taken Josh a solid month to get in without scraping himself or almost falling.  
Tyler straightened and his eyes wandered over the room.  
Shit.  
Josh had forgotten about the paint. He turned away quickly and grabbed his backpack, filling it with the snacks in his first drawer and moved onto clothes. He made sure Tyler couldn't see his face. He shouldn't have let him come, he was probably going to think Josh was some sort of mental patient. Who writes words on their walls with their hands?  
But when he turned around, Tyler was smiling gently.

"This looks sick." He said. Josh would've normally frowned at the outdated term, but he found himself hiding a smile and nodding. 

"Though..." Josh looked to the wall Tyler was looking at.

H A N D S H E L D H I G H E R

"Have I sang that to you?"

Josh opened and shut his mouth quickly, did he tell Tyler? Did he not? Did he lie and say he'd heard it before Tyler had seen him in the forest one time? How do you explain to someone that you saw them, they changed your life unknowingly, and then you just kind of, forgot to mention it?  
He never got the chance because he heard a stair creak and his whole body turned into a shard of ice.  
His eyes darted to the door in fear and he heard footsteps coming down towards the door.  
He knew his parents weren't here but a run-in with his siblings would be worse. Because he would see in their eyes that they knew that he left them again.  
The footsteps stopped in front of his door and Tyler stepped in front of him silently.  
Josh wasn't breathing and when a knock sounded he cursed his fingers for twitching.   
But after a moment the footsteps sounded again, stairs creaked. They'd gone without opening the door.   
'Must've been Ashley' He thought. Tyler turned towards him and they looked at each other with wide eyes for a moment before Josh turned and ran to the window, pulling himself up with one arm and rolling over onto the roof. He sat and extended his arm for Tyler, who took it though he probably didn't need to. And they raced down the tree and towards the forest.  
You'd assume Josh's mind would be entirely focused on the fact that he'd almost gotten caught by his sister, but no. Josh's mind kept replaying Tyler stepping in front of him in that moment.  
What had Tyler planned to do? Fight someone? If it was his dad they both would've been screwed, Josh frowned. He remembered the muscles in Tyler's back and arms when he climbed the tree. Actually Josh had never tried to fight back now that he thought about it..  
But why would Tyler put himself there? He could've easily made it out the window before the second stair creaked.

"I trust you, trust me now Josh." The words echoed in his head and his heart sped up. He told himself it was because they were running. He was lying to himself again.  
Trust, was a strange thing.  
He definitely did not trust his parents.   
In a house where putting the blame on someone else could save you from a beating, he couldn't trust his siblings.  
Brendon was his friend, but Josh would never tell him about his family.   
Josh realised Tyler was the only person he'd ever told, and he was shook.

They stopped when they couldn't see Josh's house anymore through the trees and leaned up against a stump, trying to catch their breath.  
Josh dropped his bag on the ground and put the heels of his hand over his eyes.

"Josh? Are you alright?"

'Yes. No. Yes. No. Not in the least. In every way. Maybe? Of course. Okayish? I'm fine, I'm not. I want to thank him. Does he think I'm weird. Weird Weird Weird he saw the words from the first time. Does he remember? Is it okay for me to say anything? Is it okay for me to stay with him?'

Josh let out a breath and then said, "I trust you." He dropped his hands, frowning at himself.  
'Real fucking articulate Josh. Great job.'

Tyler looked surprised but then he smiled and Josh didn't feel worried anymore.

"Those words." He blurted out, again hating himself for being so conversationally inept.  
"On my walls, your words. The ones you asked about." He clarified too quickly, but Tyler nodded.

Josh shut his eyes briefly, "I saw you out here before school started. I heard you sing that song. You were.. you were um, crying. And I didn't say anything to you and I recognized you at school when it started and you made me look at the sky and thank you." Josh was rushing and mumbling, but Tyler was grinning at him.

"Ah," He said, glancing upwards. He looked like he was thinking about what he was going to say next, which shocked Josh. Tyler had always seemed to have an immediate reply to everything. 

Eventually he looked back at Josh and said, "I got into a fight that day."

 

After they had talked about Tyler's fight with a man that stole his stuff, Tyler had shut his eyes and leaned against the tree they were sitting under. Josh waited for a while before he pulled his bag towards him.   
Along with food and clothes, he'd left his school supplies in there, now he took out a partially used notebook and a pen.  
He tapped it against his chin before she flipped it to the first clean page and laid it on his lap. He thought maybe someday his memory would fail him, or maybe Tyler would be taken from him. Plus, there was a reason he'd written his words down the first time.  
So he quickly wrote down the lines that replayed over and over in his head, begging to be thought about.

 

"Down in the forest  
We'll sing a chorus  
One that everybody knows  
Hands held higher  
We'll be on fire  
Singing songs that nobody wrote"

 

""I scream, you scream, we all scream  
'Cause we're terrified of what's around the corner  
We stay in place  
'Cause we don't wanna lose our lives  
So let's think of something better."

 

""While you're doing fine, there's some people and I  
Who have a really tough time getting through this life  
So excuse us while we sing to the sky

I'm standing in front of you.

We're broken people."

 

And finally, "Death inspires me like a dog, inspires a rabbit."

 

Josh looked over at Tyler. Trust was a weird thing. Maybe Josh could get used to it. Josh wanted to get used to it.


	6. Wonder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler has a breakdown and then gets his first taste of highschooler Brendon Urie. AKA Josh is a little attracted to Tyler, only a little though just a small... small amount that's all nothing more that's crazy... small amount okay..   
> AKA Tyler is seductive with a water bottle?  
> Tell me what you think. Enjoy.

= When Tyler was a baby, he would wake up screaming and crying every night and take an hour at minimum to calm down. His parents had figured they were just cursed with a noisy child.   
When he learned his first words, he would scream them as soon as he woke up, and his parents couldn't comprehend why. They labelled it as nightmares, and Tyler learned to cry silently.   
When he finally realised he was different-minded, was fifth grade; a year before his teachers caught on. He figured out that when he woke up, his brain was trying to recall everything. What he'd done the day before, what he'd dreamed about, what it meant, where he was, what the first thing he needed to do was, if he heard anything then what was it, was it dangerous. etc. It is a normal function that the brain usually does automatically.  
Unfortunately with Tyler's mind being so one track and easily-overwhelmed, bombarding it like that overwhelmed him.   
For a few months he woke up an hour before he was supposed to, just so he could calm himself down before his day officially started. Then he realised if he could get himself to focus on one thing when he woke up, then he could put his thoughts in order. He tried a few different things, but it finally came down to numbers.   
Before he went to sleep he would write a number on a sticky note and put it on his alarm clock. The number would correlate to something he'd done or seen that day, so when he woke up the next morning, the first thing he thought about was what it meant. It was the only thing that could help him get his bearings.  
Even when he was kicked out, he made sure he found somewhere to put a number. Waking up with a panic attack in an alley way full of people wasn't a pleasant thought.  
So, when he woke up under a tree with Josh and with no number in sight; he began to freak out.   
He jumped to his feet, looking around wildly as his brain fired thoughts at him. Forest.  
'Why was I asleep here? Was I so tired i forgot to write a number? Why was I tired? I was running. What was I running from? Do I still need to be running? What is that plant? Is it dangerous? Was it touching it? Is Josh?'

His fingers found the rubberband at his wrist. He needed to get out of here, go anywhere else. He looked down at Josh, who was still asleep. He could just leave, then he wouldn't be bothering him. Even through all the alarm in Tyler's head, he knew that was a stupid idea. If he woke up, he'd assume the worst and Tyler was trying to get Josh to trust him   
He nudged Josh, who woke up with a start, but Tyler couldn't focus on calming him down.

"Hey, I'm gonna take a walk. I'll be right back."

"..To where?" He asked, already falling back asleep after realizing it was only Tyler and not anyone dangerous to him.

"I'll be right back."

 

___________________

 

= Josh hadn't moved from where he sat under the tree. He'd woken up with a memory of Tyler saying he was going on a walk. He had no way to tell how long ago that was.  
He drummed his fingers on his thighs nervously. He thought he remembered his voice sounding rough, but Tyler wasn't afraid to cry around Josh so what was wrong?

'Maybe he just wanted to leave you.' Josh groaned, this was the last thing he needed.

'He even took his bag.' His mind made a tsking noise at him and he frowned. Why did his mind get to tsk at him? Who's mind tsked at themselves?

"Tyler takes his bag everywhere." Josh answered back out loud.

'Maybe, you don't know him all that well. Why would he stay with you?'

"He was going to protect me yesterday, that's better than you." He snapped, and then groaned again. He was crazy, he was sitting alone, arguing with his own head.

'Why would you let him? You've only known him what? A week? Less? Why are you so willing to let him see you weak?'

Josh tried to ignore his mind, closing his eyes and trying to think about something else.

'He's leaving now that he's seen how crazy you are.'

He said he'd be right back. He'll be right back.

'You don't know how long ago that was. How long are you going to wait?'

He said he'd be right back. Calm down down. Calm down calm down calm down calm. 

'He's just trying to hurt you. He's just like your parents.'

Josh dropped his head into his hands and shook it furiously. He wasn't going to listen. HeWasntHeWasnt. He didn't have much of a choice, it was happening in his head after all. He wished he could hear Tyler singing.

 

_____________________

 

= A few times before, Tyler had found himself in a parking lot of Jay's elementary school. Or at one of Maddy's basketball games, or close to the skate park he knew Zack hung out at. But he'd never come back here. He'd never found himself on the hill overlooking his old house.  
His head was still a blur and he had a massive headache, but the door was open and Maddy and who he assumed were her friends were running in and out of the house, bringing out what looked like a net. They must be practicing.  
He doubted Jay even knew who he was, he was only a baby when Tyler had left. But it was still surreal to watch his mom come out with his brother and sit on the step, laughing and watching Maddy.   
He numbly registered the snap snap snap on his arm. He blinked at his arm and realised he'd done it himself. He frowned at his arm, now sporting a red inflamed mark.   
He heard a laugh and his attention returned to his mother.  
He couldn't remember ever seeing her that happy. He wished he could see her expression better, happiness made people's faces look so much different. He felt a flare of anger towards himself. Why was he thinking like that, that's what got him kicked out in the first place.   
But that anger was pushed down almost immediately and replaced with anger towards his mother. He sighed, he thought he'd already dealt with that anger. He'd written songs that had helped him. He wished he could sing them now, but he didn't want to be caught.   
His fingers caught in his rubber band and he twirled it around his fingers before letting it go. He heard the noise but he didn't feel anything besides a dull sting.  
His mom had gotten up and was heading towards the mailbox. His eyes tracked her with interest. She seemed to even walk differently than he remembered. She was sorting through the mail now and Tyler's heart stuttered when he saw the familiar colours of his school newsletter.  
So they were still sending stuff here.   
She paused when she saw it, and Tyler's heart sped up. 

"Mom!!" The shout made them both jump, and the newsletter flew behind his mom's back as Jay ran up to her, pulling on her shirt to show her something. She smiled at him and followed. On her way to the door she reached out and dropped the letter into the trash can by the porch and Tyler looked away. He felt disgusted and sad; his thoughts had slowed so now he just felt stupid for coming here.   
Once again he stretched the rubber band up and then let it come down with a snap. He almost jumped at the pain, he wasn't expecting to feel it. He moved his other hand over the red marks and rubbed. God, he felt stupid why had he come here?   
Then, he thought: "Josh."

His mind let out a slur of panic and profanity. He was already getting up, turning his back on his sister playing volleyball. He was so stupid, why would he leave Josh like that. He knew Josh had trust issues already. Not only that but josh probably would have calmed Tyler down without question.   
He found himself stumbling over rocks and he fell directly onto gravel. He scurried over quickly when he realised he was in the road. When did he get here? He jumped the barrier. This way he could get to Josh quicker than going in from where he knew his house was. He felt a tug on his shirt and blinked down at it, it was caught on some of the twigs of the bush he'd just tried to squeeze by. He felt tears at his eyes and he pulled lightly on his shirt. Some of the thin sharp twigs stuck up through the thin material. Tyler screamed, his tears falling and he violently grabbed at his shirt. The material gave easily, and ripped all the way through to the bottom. Tyler screamed once more, his voice breaking. He felt like a dumb little kid throwing a tantrum. He started running.

 

_______________________

 

= "Josh" Tyler's voice came from behind him and Josh didn't move. 

He had almost freaked out, and had to sit through his mind's bullying just so Tyler could take a walk? The scared, uncertain part of him was relieved that he'd come back; but the part of him that knew he would, just felt irritated. 

"Josh.." Tyler's voice came again. It sounded scratchy and rough. Josh frowned and turned his head to look. Then he was on his feet and to Tyler's side in a second.

The bottom half of Tyler's shirt had been torn into strips and tears were rolling down his face.

"Tyler what happened??" Josh said, taking hold of his arm, all annoyance forgotten.

Tyler's face crumpled and he put his face into Josh's neck. Josh froze, his face burning before he felt hot wet tears on his shirt. He mentally slapped himself before putting his arms around Tyler.

"Hey... Hey what's wrong?" Josh was definitely not used to comforting people. If this had been one of his siblings he would've already ran by now. But he didn't want to run from Tyler.

They sat back against the same tree and Josh let Tyler lay down with his head in Josh's lap. Josh immediately went for his bag and got out another shirt for Tyler.  
Tyler took it and then rubbed his face on it. Josh laughed and then bit his lip.

"I meant for you to wear that." 

Tyler frowned. "Oh." 

Josh smiled lightly at the boy, he reminded him of an overwhelmed little kid at the moment.

"Where'd you go Tyler?" He asked gently.

"To my old house." Tyler whispered.

That surprised Josh. "I thought you weren't allowed to go back." He said and then immediately regretted because Tyler's face crumpled again.

"I'm not, I'm not allowed. I'm so stupid josh I didn't want to go back I just found myself there."

"Hey no, you're not stupid. Why are you crying?" Josh tried to come off as gentle but he was very worried and he didn't know how to help Tyler.

"My mom, I saw her throw the school letter in the trash. She hid it from my brother, she hates me. She hates me. Josh she hates me."

Josh didn't know what to say. He'd never seen Tyler quite this upset, so he just whispered, "No.. no Tyler." 

"Yes she does Josh. It is normal for humans to act out on impulse and then hold grudges for prolonged periods of time, but it's been almost five years."

Josh just looked at Tyler, feeling his own tears threatening to fall. 

"Five years Josh." He sobbed and Josh's hand flew to Tyler's hair. He ran his fingers through it before his eyes widened and he realised what he was doing. Tyler was looking at him wide-eyed as well. Josh's heart froze, why did he do that? Whydidhedothatwhywhywhy.

A slow smile spread across Tyler's face and Josh stopped thinking.

"Sorry, I'm crying all over your jeans." Tyler said, but he didn't get up. Josh didn't mind.

"That's okay."

"Thanks for letting me cry."

Josh reached for his notebook. "I wanna show you something." 

Tyler sat up then, but he sat shoulder to shoulder Josh. Josh handed him the notebook and let him read the lines his face lit up. 

"These are mine!" He was grinning and Josh couldn't help but return the expression. 

"The ones I've heard yeah, I thought because they helped me clear my head, I could write them down for future reference." That wasn't exactly true; Tyler's words didn't clear his mind, they filled it. But Tyler nodded anyways, and then handed it to him.

"You ready to write some more?"

Josh grinned and flipped to a new page. Tyler looked straight ahead and his eyes unfocused slightly.

 

"She asked me, "Son, when I grow old,  
Will you buy me a house of gold?  
And when your father turns to stone,  
Will you take care of me?"

Josh wrote quickly in order to keep up. This song must've been part of the one he'd heard in the alley before he'd run into Tyler.

 

"Let's say we up and left this town,  
And turned our future upside down.  
We'll make pretend that you and me,  
Lived ever after happily."

It was hard for Josh to write so fast, especially when all he wanted to do was close his eyes and listen.

 

"I will make you queen of everything you see,  
I'll put you on the map,  
I'll cure you of disease."

Tyler had slowed at this point, sounding much more fragile. Josh turned his head and found Tyler had tears on his cheeks again. 

 

"Oh and since we know that dreams are dead,  
And life turns plans up on their head  
I will plan to be a bum,  
So I just might become someone." 

Tyler's voice changed to a harsh yell when he came to the last words and Josh had almost dropped his pencil, not expecting it.  
He looked at Tyler again and now there eyes met. They stared at each other and Tyler wiped his tears on the shirt again.

"How was that?" 

Josh nodded, his mind was preoccupied with analysing Tyler's every word. Tyler laughed and a ball of tension that had been tightening ever since he'd seen Tyler, released. Seeing him cry like this made Josh feel a certain way. A couple certain ways actually. He was angry that his mom had done anything to make him feel bad. He was relieved Tyler had gone for good reason and not just for a walk. He was happy Tyler had relied on him for comfort. He felt creepy and embarrassed that he was happy about it.

Tyler stood and pulled his shirt off, Josh's face lit back up. His eyes roved over the tan skin, tone stomach and chest, sharp hip bones, girlish curve. He quickly tore his eyes away and resisted the urge to punch himself in the face. Tyler put a black muscle shirt on and sat again, apparently unaware of his affect on Josh.

 

___________________

 

= Tyler sat next to Josh in class today. That shouldn't feel like an accomplishment. They were living in the woods together and becoming friends, it was normal that they would sit together. But when they came in and Josh tapped the chair next to his for him to sit down, Tyler felt his heart swell.  
The teacher eyed them, but surprisingly didn't ask about the days they'd missed before the weekend.  
Every so often he would turn his head and see Josh looking at him. Usually, Josh would look away before Tyler could catch his eye. But sometimes Tyler managed to look him right back, and then they would stare, unable to look away. Tyler would feel himself smiling, and then Josh would grin. His tongue would poke out from in between his teeth and Tyler wondered if it hurt to bite his tongue so often, he wanted to see his tongue. He imagined the colour, the way it would move, the way it would feel... he frowned. What?   
He blinked and looked down at his desk. Not the time.

The rest of the day passed slowly as it always did. He didn't have any other classes with Josh so he could make himself focus on classwork usually. But during lunch, a very out of breath Josh rammed into him.

"Ow." He said, rubbing his arm where Josh had body slammed him.

"Sorry." Josh said, and then shook his head. "You and I are going to Brendon Urie's after school, I want to show you something."

"What?" He said, but Josh was already going back the way he came, luckily not ramming him this time. 

Brendon Urie was someone he thought of when he thought, "High school movie"  
Parties, girls, and boys, dumb ideas, and drugs and alcohol used for fun. Plus he dressed in probably the strangest way, all black and then something like a gold suit jacket. In high school. Tyler couldn't fathom why anyone would want to dress like that, but he didn't seem to be a bad guy.   
He was very popular, but sometimes he saw him walking with Josh in the morning so he must be kind of interesting? Plus he wasn't exactly going to tell Josh no.

 

____________________

 

= Josh was probably more nervous than he'd ever felt in a long time. This morning after first period, Brendon had seen him in the hallway and almost caused a fight trying to get to him. He'd jumped over two kids and accidentally elbowed some guy in the face.  
Then he'd basically interviewed him at knifepoint on where he'd been the past five days or so, complained about walking by himself, and threatened Josh's drums wellbeing.

Josh told him that he'd been sick and had to stay home, and then that if he hurt his drums that he would shove a drumstick where the sun doesn't shine.  
Brendon had forgave him as usual when he missed school, and then asked if Josh wanted to come over.  
Josh had frozen on the spot, he wanted to play his drums but.. Tyler.

"Can my friend Tyler come?"

Brendon had frowned. "You have friends?" 

Josh glared at him and Brendon had laughed so hard he couldn't breathe.

"Yeah that's fine dude, I didn't know you knew anyone else besides me and Debby."

He'd ignored the jab because now he was distracted.  
Why had he asked that. He could've just told Tyler to wait for him in the forest. He could've said no to Brendon. What if Tyler didn't want to go. What if Brendon said something rude to Tyler. What if Tyler brought up his parents. Why did he ask why did he do that why why. He needed to give Tyler some warning. 

He'd meant to ask Tyler if he wanted to come, but he'd panicked and accidentally kind of commanded him. Now they he was sat in Brendon's basement with Tyler, Debby, and Brendon, and he felt like throwing up. 

Debby didn't like to come to Brendon's house, but she'd been told Josh had made a friend and wanted to see for herself. Which was embarrassing.   
Tyler was sitting kind of awkwardly on the end of the couch, but he was smiling and answering questions when asked. He didn't mention anything about being homeless luckily, or about Josh's situation.  
He'd even made a joke that everyone laughed at and Josh felt like a dick for thinking he'd be like, inept or something. Josh was just worried, but Tyler wasn't staring into their souls like he normally did with Josh, so that was good.  
Then it came time when the conversation was thinning and Brendon asked Josh to play. Josh looked at Tyler nervously, he was reading the label on his nearly full water bottle. Josh didn't know why Brendon let him play drums in his basement, but he was definitely grateful. Even though hearing drums without any other sort of music was probably weird, it felt great to play. Josh had found himself crying a few times and he had to tell Brendon he'd hit himself with his stick or something.  
Now, when he started he found himself thinking about Tyler's singing. He always hit hard, that was the only way to play; but now he felt his arms getting numb as he picked up the pace. He had started out playing what he heard in the music Brendon played, but now he played whatever his mind told him to. He kind of just imagined the rest of the instruments and when he turned around, Tyler was leaning forward on the couch. His eyes drilled into Josh unwavering, water bottle forgotten in his hand.  
Josh felt a sort of pride and also a sense of wanting to curl into a hole so Tyler would stop looking at him. He saw his lips curling into a smirk and he looked away quickly before the image stayed in his mind forever.   
Brendon was on the other side of the couch as Tyler, and Debby was sitting on the floor painting her toes. Josh was turned in his stool so he was facing the couch. As usual, Brendon turned music on low and they just kind of talked. He was happy because Tyler was laughing at Brendon's jokes and replying to Debby's stories and it didn't feel awkward like he thought it was going to be and he was so so so relieved and happy. The only weird thing that was happening was how fast Tyler was drinking his water. Now that Josh wasn't drumming, Tyler was practically inhaling his water. Josh watched water trickle out of his mouth and over his chin. He caught it with his arm before it dripped and then made eye contact. Josh ripped his eyes away and focused on Debby's rambling.  
That was a reoccurring problem he had. In class he barely knew what was going on, and even when they were just in the forest he was always eyeing Tyler. But it seemed worse now, he told himself he was only looking because he was worried that Tyler was uncomfortable. He knew he was lying.  
Tyler had his feet up on the table and was laughing at something Brendon was explaining. Josh couldn't stop thinking about the look he'd given him after he'd stopped drumming. That goddamn smirk was going to haunt him forever. Maybe he didn't mind that as much as he should.

Tyler's bottle was almost empty now. Focus, Brendon was talking about a time he'd climbed onto the roof of a Walmart, and Tyler was listening intently.  
Josh was going to input that Tyler loved to climb stuff, but his voice got wrapped up in his throat because Tyler tipped the bottle up so the drops of water came to the end of the opening, and then he licked the rim to get what came down.  
Josh's mind basically short-circuited, and then he felt himself getting warm.   
'Josh you are literally the most perverted person in the world, that is a water bottle stop-' He couldn't even finish his thought, because Tyler had leaned forward to set his bottle on the table and made eye contact again. 

Josh's heart was hammering in his chest, Tyler's lips looked like they were turning up to smirk again.  
stopstopstopstop don't look at me like that. Stopstopstop.

Brendon was still talking and Debby's eyes were on him. Tyler leaned back but they didn't break their gaze. Josh felt like it was a secret or something. Like he was doing something he would be embarrassed about if he was caught. Something much more exciting than eyecontact.  
Whatever the fucking hell overtook him, he didn't know; but he raised his eyebrows at Tyler.   
Tyler raised his in response, and Josh grinned.   
His heart probably could've powered a windmill for years, and when Brendon clapped to emphasise a part of his story, Josh jumped and fell off his chair.


	7. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler is clueless because he's never been around to personally study attraction or anything, forgive him.Josh freaks the actual fuck out and then.. things. Let me know what you think, enjoy.  
> Side Note: What the actual heck is the word "Wouldn't've" Like what kind of double contraction english nonsense?? I hate it so much sorry.  
> Side side note: I'm really glad I got to use "Friend, Please" in this because it's one of my favourite Self Titled era songs.

= Tyler had been worried about this afternoon solely because he was wearing a white shirt. Well, that was a reason that led to multiple others, but it was the thing he needed to focus on as the problem so that his mind didn't get piled up with reasons to be worried. Delving into that was letting him think about how his white shirt wasn't exactly clean, but it wasn't noticeably dirty or smelly.. but it wasn't something he'd normally wear as a 'first impression' shirt. What if they could smell him? Sweat stains were most noticeable on white and grey shirts, what if he started sweating? What if he dropped food on himself? What if for some reason one of Josh's friends hated the colour white?   
No, Tyler preferred to just focus on the one problem instead of the little details. But now his worries were forgotten as he was solely focused on how grateful he was to Josh for being so good at the drums.  
To put it in simple terms, Tyler was shook.  
Josh wasn't just good at drums; it was like he was made for them. Like his entire body became an extension of the drumsticks, and Tyler made sure to memorize every part of it. Which muscles flexed, when he closed his eyes, what part of the build-up when he threw his head back, the way his entire body bounced with the kick drum, the expression on his face essentially becoming both gentle and passionate. Somebody probably could've been shot in the room, and Tyler wouldn't have noticed.  
He was also grateful that Josh's friends didn't seem to mind his watchfulness. More than a few times he'd seen them catch him watching their movements, but they never commented. Brendon seemed to like it actually. They also didn't seem to notice Tyler's 'watchfulness' of Josh... Or Josh's of him.  
Tyler still didn't know why Josh was staring at him, but he couldn't exactly ask now. And ever since he fell out of his chair, he seemed to be trying to avoid Tyler's glances. This, actually worried Tyler more than anything else; but he'd forgotten because Brendon had turned on the TV.   
Tyler had watched TV at his house, and sometimes in school they watched those cartoon science videos, but reality TV was a feat Tyler had never experienced. His eyes were glued to the screen when a group of men with their shirts off came up. They were standing around a bunch of construction equipment and Tyler frowned. That had to be breaking about seven safety hazards.   
He heard Josh mumble something and he turned his head.

"What Josh? Trying to find a boyfriend among the big muscles?" Brendon said, motioning to the guys on screen.

Josh rolled his eyes. "No, not my type."

Brendon raised his eyebrows. "Josh you are that type." 

Tyler laughed because it was true, and they both looked at him. Tyler felt his face heating, he shouldn't of been listening to their conversation. He remembered Josh's muscles while he was drumming.   
Brendon grinned slowly.

"So Josh, you'd say your type is more... girlish? Kind of gangly and small?" Brendon said, eyeing Josh again.

Josh's smile was gone, he looked at Tyler and then coughed loudly, looking the other way.

Tyler blinked. Was he sick? Why was his face red? Was it red before? Is he okay?

He opened his mouth to say something but Josh said he was going to the bathroom and stood. Tyler watched him walk out and then looked back at Brendon, who was now smirking at him.

"What?"

 

______________________

 

= Josh felt like an idiot. He'd come back from the bathroom and he hadn't been able to focus because Brendon kept shooting him glances, and Tyler was distracting him with his awed face at the TV and his stupid innocent questions.   
And now walking down the street, he'd jumped a foot in the air when Tyler leaned on him to let a skateboarder by. Of course, that made Tyler frown at him. Because why was Josh acting like this?  
'Because I'm an idiot.' He thought bitterly.   
Here was this homeless boy who was crying in his arms less than twelve hours ago, and here was Josh, getting flustered over nothing.

".. Are you feeling okay?" Tyler asked and Josh wanted to throw himself into traffic.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. My stomach is bothering me a little."  
'A lie. liarliarliarliar.' The voice startled him, he thought it was Tyler for a moment. Then he just realised no, it was just his brain adding to the reasons why he was insane.

Tyler stopped walking and frowned.

"Really? Are you okay? Do you want to get like, gas station medicine? Do you need water or something?" Tyler raised his hand and Josh flinched.

Tyler froze and so did Josh's heart. His hand was hovering by Josh's forehead. He was just trying to check his temperature.  
Realization crashed down on Josh and he felt like he might throw up.  
'IdiotIdiotIdiot.' He agreed with his voice, he knew Tyler would never hurt him.

Tyler pulled his hand away and started walking again, eyes on the sidewalk.  
Josh yelled at himself to speak. Say anything, make sure he knows it's not his fault, that he trusted him.

All that came out was "Sorry.."  
All that came out was a sad smile from Tyler and a silent walk back to the forest.

 

When Josh woke up the next morning, Tyler was already up putting a new shirt on.   
Immediately, guilt and embarrassment came pouring back to Josh. Tyler offered another small smile before they walked quietly to school together. Josh spent the whole time trying to pillage his mind for a way to apologize. Even when they met up with Brendon, he couldn't listen to his story.  
And then in class, he figured he would spend the period with his head down. He would come up with a way to tell Tyler that he didn't mean anything, it was just an involuntary reflex.   
Unfortunately, that plan was wrecked immediately. He'd barely sat down when the teacher had walked over.

"Joshua, the guidance counsellor would like to see you in his office right now." Josh's heart stuttered and he looked at Tyler, frozen.

Tyler drew a small pine tree on Josh's piece of paper and Josh was momentarily flooded with relief. Okay, he wouldn't be alone afterwards. Okay, Tyler didn't hate him. Okay, the forest.   
He looked back up and nodded stiffly at the teacher, gathering his stuff. He hovered over the paper that Tyler had drawn on, and then quickly stuffed it in his pocket. His face burned, there was no way Tyler had missed that. But, knowing that after this he'd be able to talk to Tyler, calmed him down.

Then came the real hell. The walk down the hallway. Last time he'd been to a guidance counsellor he'd been prescribed with the medication that started this all. Not that his parents had been great before that, but it was what set everything off. It was Josh's fault. He felt like his chest was tightening around his ribs. What if this was about his parents? What if they called about him missing? What if they were waiting there for him?  
Josh froze mid-step, then he shook his head. He'd run away for much longer than this and they never tried to get ahold of him through the school.   
'You've never run away like that. You've never run away before they finished punishing you.' Josh didn't want to hear it. He wished that he could shut off whatever the voice in his head was. Well, it seemed like he almost could sometimes.. when he was around Tyler lately at least..  
He tried to keep that thought in his mind, but as soon as he stepped into the office, it was whisked away and replaced with panic. 

He sat down on the cushioned chair just like he had at his old school years ago. He looked around the room. Why did all guidance counsellors have to decorate their rooms so similarly. Same furniture, same stupid posters that depicted inanimate objects with google eyes saying things like, "How helpful were you today?" He hated it. He hated it. Why did they have to look alike why why were they so badbadbad bad. 

"Hi Joshua." The man said, and Josh finally focused on him. His mind in all it's brilliance came up with one word. 

"Bald." 

The man's eyebrows flew together, and he looked taken aback before Josh realised what he'd said.  
There really wasn't a way to save himself so he just stared at the man until he cleared his throat.

"Um, So. Do you have any idea why you were called in today."

'Because you're a freak. A freak A freak A freak. FreakFreakFreak.'

He managed to shake his head.

"Well, We got a report from one of your teachers that they saw a few bruises on your arms recently."

Shit. Shitshit. When had he been in class where he had his jacket off? He wasn't wearing his stupid T-shirt brace and his arm was healing very slowly. He couldn't even bend it all the way, but he thought he'd done a good job at hiding it. 

"Joshua?"

"I got it caught in a car door." He mumbled.

"This isn't the first occurrence that's been reported."

Josh winced, 'Useless. Stupid stupid stupid. Real good fucking job.'

"I skateboard a lot.. I fall, I'm not very good." Josh tried to chuckle and he knew it sounded like a dying cat.

The counsellor was staring at him apprehensively. "Joshua, this is a safe place. You don't need to worry, I'm just trying to help you. I need you to trust me, can you do that?"

No. Definitely not. That is something completely impossible.  
'Trust no one.' His mind hissed.  
Trust Tyler. trust himtrusthimTylertrust.

He nodded weakly. 

"Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"

"No, Sir."

"What about the scratches on your face? They weren't there last week."

"I tripped on an escalator."

"And your eye?"

"Same time. Escalators are hard."  
'STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID WHATAREYOUTALKINGABOUT. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK FOR ONCE.'  
But he couldn't think because he was too busy focusing on not yelling at his own brain for calling him stupid.

"Joshua.."

"No thank you, I'm fine."

He seemed to hesitate, and then he said "You should know, if another report is made I'll have to take this situation in a more serious manner."

He took the tone as a dismissal, so he jumped up. "Guess I'll have to stop skateboarding." He let another hollow choked attempt at a laugh and darted.

Out the door outside out out get out away get away who had seen who had told who had told get away. Past the security guard, he heard the shouting he didn't care. He wasn't on campus the guard couldn't touch him. Couldn't catch him at this point anyways. Even if he could, what were they gonna do, call his parents?   
He laughed and then promptly stopped and vomited all over the sidewalk.  
He stared down at it and felt tears stinging his eyes.  
'Wow, laughing, vomiting, and now crying. You're a real winner Josh.'  
He felt empty. He shoved his hands in his pockets and then felt the crumpled paper. He tore it out and stared at the small cartoonish tree. Tyler. Tyler. Tyler. Tyler. Tyler.

He was running, he probably looked horrifying. Punk looking teenager with a piece of paper clutched in his hands and tears in his eyes, is running away from a pile of his own vomit ans straight towards you, what do you do?  
Shoot probably. He thought miserably, before he was interrupted.  
'Where are you going? You really think Tyler is gonna want to see you? You look disgusting.'  
He blinked, that was probably true. He shook his head, Tyler wouldn't have drawn the tree if he didn't want to see him.  
'You've been so rude to him.' 

"I'll apologize." He said, feeling tears now hot on his cheeks.

The voice was becoming frantic now, 'You can't trust him you can't you can't. Turn around turn you can't.'

"I can I can I can I can." Josh whispered, picking up his pace.

'YOU CAN'T HE'S USING YOU AND YOU KNOW IT HE HATES YOU HE'S USING YOU USING YOU.'

Josh ignored this, along with the strange look h got from the woman on a jog.

'TURNAROUND YOU CANT TRUS THIM HATEHATE YOU CANT YOU HURT GET HURT HURTHURT CANTTRUSTHIM GET AWAYAWAY TURN AROUND.'

Josh ran across the street, he heard a car honking, he didn't care. He jumped the barrier and was running through the trees.

'CANTCANTGETAWAYLEAVEGETOUTBADBADBADWEAKGETAWAYWEAKNOWGETOUT'

"TYLER" He yelled, still running.

'WEAKWEAK GETAWAY FROMTHISPLACE GET OUT GET OUT'

"TYLER TYLER TYLER." Josh's throat was raw and he heard his voice break. 

He whirled around, tears filled his vision. All he could see was blurry trees and and bushes. "TYLER PLEASE TYLER"

"JOSH?" The voice came from his left and he spun violently. 

"TYLER" He couldn't see he couldn't see him he wasn't there he's not there where is he he's not there.

Then his biceps were grabbed by soft hands and he tried desperately to get rid of the tears in his eyes.

"Hey, Josh. I'm right here, I'm right here." It was Tyler, he could hear him, he could smell him. He was being creepy what was wrong with him.

He shoved himself into Tyler's chest, latching around him. 

"Tyler, Tyler, TylerTylerTyler." He sobbed into his shirt.

He felt hands in his hair, warm warm, slow circles, Tyler. He buried his head further into his chest. 

"I'm here, I'm here. You're okay I'm here." Tyler said softly. 

For some reason Tyler's voice was making him cry even harder. "Tyler, Tyler I trust you. Tyler." He was desperate, he couldn't think straight and he didn't realize he'd said it until it was already out of his mouth.

"I know, I know you trust me. I trust you too Josh. You're okay, it's okay."

"I'm sorry I'm sorry. Sorry sorry sorry I'm sorry." He begged, he felt Tyler's hands move from hi hands to his shoulders. 

"Josh you have nothing to be sorry for. Look at me."

But Josh couldn't let himself let go. He felt Tyler shifting and loosened his grip enough so he slid down with him. They were sitting now, with Josh kind of hugging Tyler's knee. Josh didn't want to know what he looked like right now. Probably crazed and terrified.  
Tyler smiled at him and it looked contorted through his tears. Tyler raised his hands to Josh, and Josh let him wipe away his tears for him. Soft warm soft warm. Tyler.

The blur wasn't so bad anymore and he could make out Tyler's smile better. It helped him relax his grip a little.

"Lay down with me." Tyler whispered and Josh watched him lean backwards until he was face-up on the ground. Josh slowly let go of his knee and let him stretch it out. Tyler beckoned Josh with his arm and Josh laid down next to him. he turned on his side, curling his fists into Tyler's shirt and watching the side of his face.

"You think we should stay away from school for awhile?" Tyler asked.

Josh nodded. "Please." His voice sounded shot, he winced at the feeling in his throat.

Tyler nodded and they were quiet for a moment, Josh was relieved he wasn't asking him for details. It wasn't even really what was said that freaked him out, it was what he had thought to himself. As always, he had tortured himself. He tightened his grip on Tyler's shirt.

"Look at the sky." Tyler said gently. 

Hesitantly, Josh turned onto his back. He kept on hand balled in Tyler's shirt, and tried to focus on the sky. His eyes were hurting from crying and they were starting to blur back up. 

"Keep watching." Tyler whispered. He felt Tyler's foot slip under the crook of his ankle, and he pressed his arm into Josh's side. 

"Do you want to hear a song?" Tyler breathed, much closer now. Josh felt warm, he could feel his heart winding down.

"I don't have my notebook." Josh mumbled. Somewhere in between getting into the forest and Tyler finding him, he'd dropped his bag. 

"That's okay, you'll just have to remember." 

"Always." 

"Keep watching the sky."

So he did. He watched the sky while listening to Tyler take a few breaths. He didn't want to tell him he really couldn't see much besides a whirl of blue obstructed by some green and white. He always liked these few months where it wasn't raining or freezing.

 

"I feel for you but when did you believe you were alone  
You say that spiders crawled inside and made themselves a home  
Where light once was,"

 

Josh moved his head closer to Tyler's. This was one of the first times he'd heard it when it wasn't broken and laced with tears. Tyler really did have a beautiful voice, but Josh decided he liked his broken voice just as much as he liked this one. It was fragile, it was strong, it was Tyler.

 

"Petrified of who you are and who you have become  
You will hide from everyone, denying you need someone  
To exterminate your bones,"

 

Josh could already feel himself calming down. He could tell that the green was the tree tops. He could differentiate between leaves and sky. He was know focusing on Tyler's words and not his sound.

 

"Friend, please remove your hands from  
Over your eyes for me  
I know you want to leave but  
Friend, please don't take your life away from me

Living like a ghost you walk by everyone you know  
You say that you're fine but you have lost your sway and glow  
So I stopped by to let you know,"

 

Josh was still crying, but it was different. The tears weren't caught in his eyes they were moving freely down his cheeks and into the dirt. They weren't clouding his vision they were making the blue and green swim and mix and Josh felt himself inhale sharply.

 

"Would you let me know your plans tonight  
'Cause I just won't let go 'til we both see the light  
And I have nothing else left to say  
But I will listen to you all day, yes I will

Friend, please remove your hands from  
Over your eyes for me  
I know you want to leave but  
Friend, please don't take your life away from me"

 

Josh wasn't looking at the sky any longer, he was looking at Tyler. As much as the swirling colours were intriguing, the real amazing thing sat two inches away from him in the dirt.   
Tyler met his gaze and smiled, a real smile. Josh was drowning. Josh loved drowning.

"You think you'll be able to remember?" Tyler asked gently, Josh figured he'd never forget that smile. He didn't want to.  
There was no answer, he wouldn't just remember, he would let the words be his air.   
There was no answer, he would have them engraved in his mind forever.  
There was no answer, he was leaning in.  
There was no answer, his lips were on Tyler's.

 

It was hungry, terrifying. Two boys starved of love, one not even knowing what it was and the other knowing of it but never receiving it.

It was Josh's lips rough and needy, pushing pushing pushing into Tyler. It was his tears on his lips. It was Tyler warm and soft, welcoming. It was fast on slow, it was cold on warm, it was necessity on want, it was everything and the only thing Josh could think of.

Startled fists turned into hands on his back, he unclenched Tyler's shirt just to ball it up again. Josh pulled away and put his head back on the dirt, eyes back on the sky.   
His heart was pounding again but it felt different. He was sweating and felt choked, he was sure his mouth probably tasted like vomit and he didn't really care. 

"I hope we didn't eat any dirt." Tyler said and Josh barked out a laugh. It wasn't hollow, it wasn't fake.

He turned his head back to Tyler. His eyes were lit up with that stuff Josh didn't know what to call. That feeling, that thing, that purpose, that fuel.

"Your eyes... do this thing sometimes." Josh mumbled.

Tyler frowned. "What, blink?"

Josh snorted. "You know for such a deep person, you're real dumb."

"Well, you certainly seem to like it."

Josh blushed despite himself.

"I trust you." Tyler said and Josh smiled.

He watched Tyler stretch his arm out and draw the number two in the soil with his finger. He went over it a few times and then turned towards Josh. Josh raised his eyebrows.

"Two happy boys."


	8. fluff mainly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adventures! In homelessness!  
> A.K.A Brendon is both a demon and a saint to Josh.  
> This chapter's light mood brought to you by my crippling need to feel happy now that school has started. Next chapter may be darker, who knows?  
> Let me know what you think, enjoy.

= Josh felt like an idiot. He always felt like an idiot, but now it was like, fucktupled or something. Here he was, sitting in the dirt, trying not to breath too loud in case he woke the boy sleeping next to him.  
'Yeah Josh, your breathing is really gonna wake him.' He thought snidely to himself. He wanted to bite back, but then he realised he'd literally be arguing with his own head.. again.  
He was being ridiculous. So ridiculous that he was incredibly worried about pretty much everything in the world... if everything in the world was Tyler. Which, arguably, it was.  
He didn't regret kissing Tyler even a little bit, he regretted vomiting ten minutes before and sobbing into his mouth, but not actually kissing him. He was having a heart attack worrying about Tyler's reaction when he woke up though. After Josh had finally apologized, he had to go and have a mental breakdown and kiss him. What if things got awkward between them again? Josh didn't think he could handle that.  
So when he saw Tyler shifting and his eyes fluttering, he got the overwhelming urge to knock him unconscious.  
'No. That is not something a sane person would ever do what the fuck Josh.'  
He held his breath when Tyler pushed up on his hands and looked around. He swore his heart stopped when their eyes met. And then, they drifted lazily to the large "2" drawn in the dirt a ways away. He stared at it for a couple of seconds and Josh figured if he kept holding his breath he would faint. Maybe that would be best. Escape your problems; by going unconscious.  
Tyler looked back up at him.

"You wanna get breakfast?" 

All the air came whooshing out in a breathy laugh. 

"What?"

Tyler sat up fully, stretching and yawning. 

"I know a guy at one of the booths at the mall that gives me free pastries when I'm there."

Josh raised his eyebrows, bad feelings gone completely. "What did you do to get that treatment?"

"He went to my middle school, he was the only person that talked to."

Josh felt his mouth quirking up, "Talked, huh?"

Tyler glared at him and stood up. "Don't ruin my childhood innocence Joshua Dun, now get up or you don't get a pastry."

Josh grinned and stood up.

 

________________________

 

= Tyler hoped the glances he was stealing at Josh were secretive. He knew that Josh got uncomfortable under watch, but he couldn't help himself. That was a weird feeling, because if he couldn't control his brain, then who could?  
He snorted when he heard the X-Files soundtrack in his head and Josh looked over at him.

"What are you laughing about?" 

"Nothing, sorry I'm being spooky." 

Josh's brows rose but he smiled and his eyes got all crinkly and Tyler felt himself do the same. He'd been smiling all morning. They'd gone and found Josh's backpack in the forest and Josh had remembered every thing he'd sang the night before and wrote it all down, which Tyler was the most excited about. Not only did Josh like his singing, but he genuinely thought about and listened to it. And then they'd walked down here and Tyler didn't even know why he'd suggested it because he rarely came down here, but boy was he glad he did. He and Josh had spent the past hour running through a thrift-store-esque shop, trying on too many giant hideous sweaters. Tyler couldn't've been happier. And on top of all that Josh had kissed him yesterday, which had confused him in every way. When they made contact he had been so distracted because his brain was assaulting him with questions.  
First and foremost being, "What??"  
But then he didn't feel like thinking and only focused on Josh, and now he couldn't get him off his mind. And another thing-

"Tyler?"

Tyler snapped out of it when he heard the voice. 

"Hey Mark!" Tyler said, approaching the booth. When had they walked so far? He didn't even really remember leaving the store they were in, he just remembered Josh laughing with tears in his eyes because he'd turned around to see Tyler in an "Ohio State Run" shirt that was about seven sizes to big for him.

He let Mark high-five him before turning to look at Josh.

"This is Josh." He said, looking expectantly back to Mark.

Friendly as always, Mark smiled and nodded at Josh. 

"Well, I'll get you two coffees?" Mark asked and Tyler was grateful he didn't have to ask.

"Make mine a hot chocolate?" 

Mark laughed and headed towards the coffee pot.

"Thank you." Josh mumbled behind him. Tyler was worried he felt scared or anxious, but when he turned around, Josh was smirking at him. 

"What?"

"A hot chocolate?"

Tyler felt his face heat up, "Shut up.. I just like sweet things."

"Is that why you like me so much?" Josh said, still with that smirk on his face.

"No I hate you." Tyler muttered, turning away so Josh would stop smiling like that. It wasn't fair. Tyler wanted to wipe it right off his face. He bet if he did something really shocking, Josh's stupid mouth would turn into a little "O".  
But before he could come up with something, Mark was back. He handed the cups over and Josh thanked him again. Mark smiled and waved at Tyler.  
Tyler didn't know what to do, so he just quickly took a sip of his drink. It burnt his tongue but he was glad for the distraction. He wasn't friends with Mark exactly, but he liked Mark's attitude and he appreciated what he did for him, even if he wasn't here often.  
What would you call that?  
Acquaintance seemed too formal, but what else was there. He wasn't a peer or a guy he knew in passing.  
He was his friendly-not-so-friend, Mark, that he met when he was in a weird part of his life.  
Though, really all parts of his life were probably weird.

"Tyler?" Tyler's head snapped up and he realised it was probably the sixth time today Josh had caught him spacing out. He couldn't help it, he felt weird and airy and light. He wanted to climb the shopping center structure.

 

___________________

 

= Josh decided that walking around drinking coffee with Tyler was probably the best thing he'd ever done in his life. They walked close in comfortable silence, occasionally Tyler would narrate a random person's life and Josh was nearly doubled over with laughter every time. He was just really glad he hadn't messed everything up. He was so so so so so glad.

"Okay what about that girl?" Josh asked, nodding to a woman sitting outside of what looked like Spencer's, but more appropriate. 

Tyler opened his mouth and Josh waited for an effortless story to spill, but suddenly he had his hands in Josh's hair.  
Josh blinked. Whatwhatwhatwhat.

"Dude let's dye your hair pink."

"Huh?"

Tyler stepped backwards, dropping his hands. Josh fought the urge to grab his hands and put them back on his head.  
"Let's dye your hair pink. I have enough money for dye."

Josh frowned, "We'd have to bleach my hair." 

Tyler shook his head, "We'll just get a fader and dye over the lightened color."

Josh didn't even know what to say, but Tyler had obviously made up his mind as he was walking quickly towards the store. Josh scrambled to catch up, what had brought this on?

 

"I cannot believe this." Josh said. 

He was sitting on the toilet in a mall's public bathroom while Tyler applied fader to his hair.  
He wasn't sure why he let himself get into this situation, he only knew that there was a 100% chance someone could walk in, smell the dye, and they'd get thrown out.

"This has to be illegal." Josh groaned and Tyler chuckled.

"So is living in a state-owned forest as a minor, and ditching school to come get free coffee at the mall." Tyler said.

And while he had a point, Josh wasn't about to rationalize with him. He wouldn't have been able to anyways given that all he could focus on right now was the feeling of Tyler rubbing circles into his head. He had to resist the urge to push his head into it.

"How do you even know how to do this?" Josh asked trying to distract himself, wincing at the crack in his voice 

"My mom would have me dye her roots for her when I was younger." Tyler said, removing his hands. Josh was both grateful and disappointed by it.

"How long do I have to keep this on for?" He was fully aware of how whiny he sounded, and no, he didn't care.

"I'm thinking probably fifteen minutes, and then we'll wash it out and do the dye." 

"How are we going to keep track of time?"

Tyler locked eyes with him. "One.. Two.. Three.. Four.." He made it all the way to eleven before breaking off and laughing so hard he almost fell over. Josh rolled his eyes. This was going to be a nightmare. The best nightmare, and also the worst.

Time passed fast enough and soon Tyler decided it was time to wash his hair out. This process included Josh bending over and sticking his head under the cleanest looking faucet, and Tyler turning the water on and running through his hair with his fingers. Josh closed his eyes at the feeling and had to curl his hands into fists to distract himself from doing anything stupid; It just felt good okay?  
About 3/4 of the way through the process, a man opened the door and came in, freezing at the sight of the two.  
Tyler stopped in his washing, and Josh's eyes popped open. The man stood there for a few minutes, frowning slightly, before he kind of.. backed out of the bathroom slowly and shut the door.  
Josh could feel Tyler's hands shaking, and when he glanced at him in the mirror, his face was bright red from holding in laughter.  
Josh groaned and rolled his eyes, and Tyler bust into a fit of laughter that only subsided when Josh threatened to leave the bathroom with his now dingy faded hair. Tyler scrambled over and finished washing it out. When Josh looked at his hair he almost liked the colour. It wasn't pink or red as much as it was a weird orangish and he almost wanted to ask Tyler if he could keep it, but Tyler was just so damn excited about the pink, so he kept his mouth shut.  
Tyler handed him paper towels and Josh frowned down at them.

"Dry your hair?" Tyler said.

"Oh." Josh hadn't noticed that water was dripping off his hair and onto his shoulders. 

He tried his best, he really did; But crappy bathroom paper towels weren't the best way to dry hair. When he got it semi-damp, Tyler decided it was close enough and began working in the hair dye he'd somehow already prepared.  
Once again, he had to steel himself into not pushing into Tyler's hands.

"How pink do you want this to be?" Tyler asked, Josh was surprised he got a say in the matter to be honest.

He looked up at Tyler's face. He was obviously hoping Josh would say what he wanted to hear and Josh sighed, but then grinned. It's just hair after all, if he didn't like it; it would grow out and fade. Then again he kind of liked the idea of "fuck-you-pink" hair as Brendon would put it.

"If we're gonna so this, we're gonna go all the way. I want it offensively pink."

Tyler grinned at Josh, and Josh rushed to keep it on his face.

"I want it so pink that on our way out of here at least two conservative old ladies give us disapproving looks."

Tyler started laughing so hard he almost dropped the dye and Josh found himself grinning too. 

 

They sat against the wall until Josh's head was starting to burn, and then Tyler started washing it out again. 

"Oh no." Josh whispered when he heard the door swing open. He opened his eyes.

Oh no. Oh god this was much worse then a stranger, this was quite possibly the worst thing to happen.  
Brendon stood in the opening, looking floored. Slowly a grin spread over his face, and Josh sighed and shut his eyes.

"Hey Tyler, hey Josh." He said, and Josh could hear the laugh in his voice.

"Hi Brendon." Tyler said, continuing to massage Josh's head. Josh bit down on his lip to keep from gasping, he hadn't prepared. He kept his eyes squeezed shut, he knew that Brendon was probably laughing his ass off right about now.

"So.. Why do you have Joshua bent over the sink?" 

Josh's eyes shot open and his face went red, but Tyler was apparently unaware of the situation because he said "I'm washing the hair dye out of his hair, why? Do you wanna help?"

"No thanks, I'm not into threeways." Brendon said and Josh choked and started coughing.

Tyler paused to see if Josh was okay, but other than that, seemed again unaware of any innuendo.  
When he pulled his hands away, Josh stood up and glared at Brendon. Tyler turned around to get paper towels, and Josh flipped him off.  
Brendon put on his best shit eating grin and made a heart with his hands.  
Tyler handed the towels to Josh who dried his hair with a little more force than was strictly necessary. 

"Tyler, whatcha got there?" Brendon asked and Josh rolled his eyes at his too-sweet tone.

"Hot chocolate, we just had some earlier." Tyler replied, smiling at Brendon.

"Are you hungry? Do you wanna come to my house? We can all hang out and watch a movie."

Josh's head snapped up, what was Brendon planning? 

Tyler looked at Josh as if for confirmation. and Josh looked at Brendon to silently ask him, "Why did you ask so nicely? Usually you just demand, why did you specifically ask Tyler instead of telling me?"

Brendon apparently got the message because he said, "Also I'm sure we'd all like to hear Josh drum." 

Tyler's head snapped from Josh, to Brendon, then back to Josh. His eyes lit up and he smiled. 

Josh groaned. 

"Please?" Tyler asked, and Josh just sighed and nodded. Tyler grinned and Brendon made a whipping motion with his hands. Josh waited until Tyler was out the door, and then turned and flipped Brendon off again.

 

_____________________

 

= Tyler figured this may be the best day of his life. He got to spend the whole morning messing around with Josh, he got a free hot chocolate, he got to dye Josh's hair all by himself, and now he was watching a movie on a huuuge TV in a house with friends.  
Tyler grinned when Josh came back into the room. He'd left to put on one of Brendon's shirts as his was covered in dyed water; and while he was in the bathroom he'd towel dried his hair. It was sticking up every which way, and it was blindingly pink. It was so pink that Tyler figured he'd be able to see Josh through the trees. He loved it.  
He wasn't sure exactly where the idea came from, but he'd glad he came up with it. 

"Dude it looks sick!" Tyler said, standing up from his place on the couch next to Brendon. Josh grinned at him, eyes crinkling at the sides again.

"Yeah I like it a lot, thank you." 

Tyler just grinned in response and Josh added, "Also, I really like this shirt." he looked over Tyler's shoulder at Brendon. 

Tyler turned too to see a now-standing Brendon who was frowning. 

"Dude you own like half of my wardrobe you can't take that too." 

"Looks better on me, right Tyler." Tyler jumped at the sound of his name.

His eyes returned to Josh, this time his eyes traced over Josh's torso. It was just a simple white muscle shirt, it shouldn't have been a big deal. He opened his mouth to say as much, but then abruptly his mind was flooded with the memory of Josh shirtless in the forest. Tyler shut his mouth and looked over him again. The shirt did suit Josh very well, most likely because Josh was muscles McGee.  
Tyler frowned at that term, why the hell did he think that? Who says "McGee"?  
'Who thinks of his friend shirtless in a forest?' He thought and his cheeks flushed. 

"Tyler?" Tyler's eyes snapped up to Josh's. Now his face HAD to be red. 

"Um.. Uh, yes." He said decidedly and nodded his head, looking back at Brendon who busted up laughing. 

When he collected himself, Tyler was feeling really embarrassed and he really just wanted to go back to watching TV. 

"Josh you can have that shirt but you have to share it with Tyler." Brendon said smirking.

He heard Josh shifting behind him and Tyler frowned, how could they share a shirt? It's not like they'd both fit in there?? Unless he meant like they'd wear it different days but Tyler didn't think the shirt would suit him.  
Suddenly he was aware Brendon was staring at him. He didn't know what to do so he just stared back. It was really very strange and Tyler couldn't figure out why, until Brendon said: "Tyler you have dye on your shirt too."

Tyler peered down to find, yes, there was indeed dye on his shirt.

"Oh.. that's okay it was dirty anyways." He frowned, that had to be a weird thing to say. 

"C'mon let's go get you a shirt." Brendon said. 

Tyler was opening his mouth to object when he realised somehow Brendon had his hand and they were already almost out of the room.  
They only stopped when Brendon turned to Josh, who was following them out.

"No, dude you made him stay in here before. You stay now." 

Josh frowned but Tyler didn't see it because he was being pulled down the hallway and into a bedroom. 

"It's really okay Brendon I don't need a shirt." Tyler said, but couldn't help himself from looking all around the room. He hadn't been in a bedroom in a while. Well, he'd been in Josh's but he figured that didn't really count.

"Good, you're not getting a shirt, you're getting an outfit." 

"What?" 

"Don't you want to surprise Josh?"

Tyler frowned. "No, he doesn't like surprises. They make him anxious."

Brendon did that thing where he busted up laughing again and Tyler felt his face growing hot again.

"No, surprise in a good way. Like a birthday surprise."

"Is it his birthday?" Tyler asked, he really ought to know that.

Brendon groaned. "No, Tyler- Just trust me on this okay? He'll really appreciate it." 

Tyler couldn't exactly refuse. He was in Brendon's house, in Brendon's room, in Brendon's care. He'd watched Brendon's TV.

"Yeah okay."

 

____________________

 

= Josh groaned and leaned his head back on the couch, stretching his legs out before letting them flop back on the ground. He was SO bored. He didn't know why Brendon made such a big deal over this shirt thing. The only reason he'd left Tyler in here was because he was so glued to the TV that Josh didn't even think he'd noticed that Josh had left. Josh however, had no interest in the TV. It wasn't for some profound reason or that he was super cultured or anything, he just got headaches sometimes from the shows that Brendon always put on. He closed his eyes.  
He really did like his new hair color. Once he'd dried it he'd spent about fifteen minutes just looking at it. Tyler had done a very thorough dyeing job, he was impressed. And it definitely was so pink that he'd probably look like a beacon in any public place.  
He opened his eyes when he heard footsteps and frowned when he saw Brendon standing in the doorway.

"You know what looks good in layers?"

Josh resisted the urge to make an onion comment, and then further resisted a Shrek comment. So he said nothing.

Brendon sighed and moved to the couch next to him. "Ya boy Tyler." He said.

Josh looked back up to Tyler in the doorway and was floored.

Tyler was wearing his black skinny jeans like before, but his gray T-shirt had been swapped out for a white tank top, a red flannel, and an olive bomber jacket. And by some magic, the layers had made Tyler go from 10 to a 20. 

Tyler was looking down at himself too and then made eye contact with Josh who still was having trouble speaking. 

"Whaddya think?" He said and Josh nearly choked again trying to speak.

"S'good. You look good," He noticed brendon watching him. "bro." He added and Brendon fell off the couch laughing. 

Tyler however, grinned so big that Josh wished he had a camera. 

Josh, with much difficulty, pulled his gaze off of Tyler to glare at Brendon.

"What happened to not taking your wardrobe?" 

"I figured you'd- I mean TYLER would appreciate the look." He said and Josh wanted nothing more than to murder him.

Josh wished their was an "Intensify glare" button for life, because he'd be mashing it at the moment.  
He'd also be mashing screenshot because he may be mad at Brendon for being such a little shit, he was very aware of how good Tyler looked. 

Maybe Brendon's house wasn't such a bad idea, he thought as he stood up and made his way to the drum kit. He decided he didn't want to get this shirt all sweaty after just receiving it; So he took it off up over his head. When he turned to grab the sticks he glanced up and caught Tyler's gaze raking up his body. When their eyes met, Tyler's expression stayed the same, but the color of his face had turned into Josh's hair color. 

Maybe Brendon's house was a great idea.


	9. joSH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is entirely revolving around me making fun of joSH.  
> AKA This is a lot of dialogue before real shit next chapter  
> I know my updating schedule is horrible but listen, I hate school. So just trust.  
> Let me know what you think? Enjoy

= The first thing josh noticed was how cold half of his body was. He frowned, not wanting to open his eyes. He didn't remember dreaming but he also didn't remember going to sleep. The ground was hard underneath him. Where was he? His heart sped up irrationally.  
His mind came up with the word "Locked", before he opened his eyes and almost screamed.  
Tyler's face was inches from his and while this did nothing to slow his heart, it did make his mind whirl until he remembered he was at Brendon's house.  
Tyler was sleeping with his body pressed along Josh's left side and Josh realized why only half of his body was cold.  
His eyes tracked all over Tyler's sleeping form greedily. His first thought was, 'Why does he look so good sleeping?'.  
His second thought was, 'Fuck Josh, way to be super creepy first thing in the morning.' Was it morning? He didn't know. He didn't care because his next thought was, 'I am breathing directly onto his face.'  
He jerked his head away embarrassed, you didn't get a lot of times to brush your teeth when you lived in a forest y'know?  
Josh lifted himself into a sitting position and began to rub his eyes. Tyler stirred next to him and Josh froze, but Tyler just curled slightly more around his legs and kept sleeping.  
'Ignore it ignore ignore it, he's sleeping. Don't look at him, you're not that creepy.'  
As it turns out, Josh was that creepy apparently. He couldn't help but watch Tyler. His eyes froze on Tyler's lips, and his face heated. He had kissed those lips. They hadn't talked about that. Obviously tyler wasn't opposed to it, but he wondered if Tyler even understood why he'd done it. He was worried Tyler thought it was just a heat of the moment type of situation because that wasn't true. And he was also worried Tyler knew about josh's feelings because that in itself was terrifying. He was still wearing that outfit and Josh couldn't help but be grateful to Brendon, even if he was a huge dick.  
Which was weird. He shouldn't be grateful. Who is grateful because their asshole friend gave their sunshine friend an outfit?  
Josh frowned, where was Brendon? Tyler and Josh were the only ones in the basement, and it looked weirdly void without the sight of Brendon's grin. Josh rolled his eyes, he was probably planning some stupid stunt where Josh would find him and he'd say, "Thought you and Tyler would want some privacy.. didn't know you were into people watching Josh."  
Josh groaned out load and then froze when Tyler moved.  
'SHIT SHIT SHIT WAY TO GO JOSH.'  
Tyler sat up and peered blearily at him. He looked down at a sticky note in his hand that read "7" and then looked back to Josh. 

"You're real warm." He mumbled before stretching.

For some unknown reason, probably because God has an irrational hate towards him, Josh started to blush at that.  
Luckily, it went without notice from Tyler because he was busy trying to stand.

"Ow." Josh said when one of Tyler's boot-clad feet hit him in the arm. 

Tyler immediately knelt down next to him. "Sorry, are you alright?" 

Josh laughed nervously at the genuine concern on Tyler's face. "Yeah it didn't actually hurt, I was just- I mean even if it did, I've had worse." 

Tyler's face changed from concern to sympathy and sadness, and Josh scrambled to fix it.

"That's- I didn't mean to, No. Um.. I didn't.." Tyler shook his head and Josh cursed himself.

'Way to go, gotta bring up your shitty life all the time, real good conversation starter.' 

He forced the voice away and stood up with Tyler. 

"Where do you think Brendon's at?" Josh asked, eager to get away from the topic he'd accidentally brought up.

Tyler still wore a sad look on his face, but he shrugged, "I don't know but we should probably leave in case we're like, being a burden or something?" It came out like a question and Josh realized Tyler had probably never spent the night at a friends house. He wanted to explain that Brendon would probably want them to live down here and was probably more than thrilled to have them spend the night, but Tyler was already heading towards the stairs. 

Josh followed behind Tyler until they got to the top of the stairs where Tyler stopped abruptly. Josh moved next to him on the top step and realized that Brendon's mom had been hanging something up, and now was paused mid-hammer-swing and looking at them.

"Uh... Hey Mrs.Urie, we were just leaving..." 

She put on her mom smile. "Oh! I didn't know you two were still here! Brendon already left for school, I though you two went home last night.. Do you need a ride? I could drive you.. Or breakfast? Or I could-"

"No, no um... We have a... free day because, uh, our schedules are being switched around and y'know.. public school." He said, not really knowing what he was saying, but trying desperately to make it believable. 

Brendon's mom clearly did not believe him, but she didn't press. She just smiled again and watched them awkwardly shuffle out of her house. He heard Tyler let out a sigh when they hit the street.

"You alright?" Josh asked, glancing sideways at him. 

Tyler looked up at him and smiled a little, "Yeah I'm alright, I was afraid she was going to be mad."

"No, no Mrs.Urie is never mad. Well- One time Brendon had a party while she was out of town and she found a firecracker in her shoe..." Josh trailed off and grinned when he heard Tyler's laugh. 

 

_______________________

 

= Tyler decided he quite liked just walking with Josh. It was just like when they'd gone to the mall. They didn't need to go find something to do because just watching people turned into an easy conversation and jokes and Josh's weird crinkly eyes and Tyler didn't have to focus all his energy into being socially acceptable. Because Josh didn't care when he stared too long, or didn't answer a direct question, or laughed too hard at something that wasn't funny, or started humming in the middle of a conversation, or anything really. He was very patient and Tyler really admired that, he knew fully how annoying it was to deal with him, so the fact that Josh seemed to almost prefer Tyler's company, made him swell with something he couldn't name.  
Two high school boys walking around a children's park just talking peacefully was probably a weird sight, so he understood why people were looking at them. It didn't stop him from staring back.  
He'd just made a middle aged dad vaguely uncomfortable by deadpan staring at him, when he turned his head and caught sight of light blonde hair and a familiar frame. Tyler stopped. In that, he stopped EVERYTHING. Walking, talking, smiling, his brain. It all stopped.  
His mother was here. His brother was here. She was holding him up so he could reach the monkey bars. He was laughing and sweating even though he wasn't actually doing much. 

"Tyler?" Josh's voice was somewhere next to his head but he barely recognized it, and didn't acknowledge it.  
His mom was grinning and Jay was laughing and Tyler swore he could hear it from here. Suddenly a bunch of anger returned to him, and then promptly after, shock and fear was added to the mix and his fingers found the rubberband at his wrist. He swore that he snapped it, but he wasn't feeling it. Maybe this wasn't real then? Maybe he was having hallucinations or something, maybe nothing was real. But then, snap- Dimly he felt a tingle against his wrist and blinked.

"Tyler??!" There were hands grasping his wrists and Josh's face was suddenly in his view. 

"My mom." He said, voice sounding funny. Realization dawned on Josh's face and his head whipped back around to look. His mom was now scanning the place, her eyes were close to finding Tyler when panic filled him and he turned, grabbing Josh's hand and taking off. Josh let out a surprised yelp but Tyler kept running. He wiped at his face with his free hand and realized he was crying. He frowned as the tears slipped onto his wrist and stung. He looked at the angry puckered red marks there and wanted to press into them, to feel, to distract, to get away. 

 

______________________

 

= Josh was running. Running behind Tyler. Tyler dragging him along by the hand.  
They had just been walking, cutting through a park to get nowhere faster, and Tyler had just stopped. He'd looked like when he'd seen Brendon's mom almost, except then the light that was always in his brown eyes had disappeared and replaced with a nothingness so unsettling that Josh had actually almost slapped him.  
That's when Josh saw Tyler's hand move and faster than he could react- SNAP. Tears had gathered at the corners of Tyler's eyes, but they didn't spill, and Tyler made no other reaction.  
Josh had jumped at the noise, the action, the reaction (or lack of) from Tyler. His panic had taken over and he'd grabbed Tyler's hands when he saw him reaching again, but Tyler had managed to snap it again and it had brought tears to Josh's eyes. He'd screamed Tyler's name, and finally the blankness in Tyler's eyes moved to fear, Josh was just relieved SOMETHING was there.  
And then Tyler's hand shook as it moved and Josh almost grabbed it again thinking he was going to snap himself. But he'd pointed and then, "My mom."

And now he was running. They were running. Josh hated running, he had to do it so often and all he could ever focus on was his heart beating too hard, his throat aching for water, and his whole body being too slow for his liking. But now he wasn't focused on any of that because all he could think was: "Tyler". 

The dead look in his eyes, his hand going towards the rubber band, that sound that sound he hated it. That sound of rubber slapping skin. Tyler's wrist was so delicate when he grabbed it, how was he withstanding the pain of the snapping? Why was he doing that? How long had he been doing that? Tyler Tyler Tyler. He was running and he caught glances of confused faces. He was running and he felt himself stumble over uneven ground. He was running and he never took his eyes off Tyler's back. 

 

Josh was panting. Josh was panting so hard he thought he might throw up, but he didn't care because Tyler Tyler Tyler.  
Tyler was panting too and some far off part of Josh's brain thought, 'I'm glad I'm not the only tired one.' But that part of his mind got attacked by all the other parts that were screaming 'Tyler'.  
That's all he could think. Because Tyler was dry heaving and Josh was frozen because he didn't know what to do.  
Josh had never seen Tyler like this. He'd seen him cry, yes. But never sweating and choking and panicked. Josh had never seen Tyler's eyes go out like that. He was frozen watching Tyler with his hands on his knees, on the verge of puking. Hs knees were in the dirt and Josh winced when he thought about Tyler's soft skin hitting the rough ground. They'd made it to the edge of the forest before Tyler had collapsed. He could still hear cars and he was terrified of someone seeing them.  
They needed to move, but Tyler was in no situation to do anything. When Josh was upset, he shut down. And if he couldn't shut down he repressed everything for as long as he could. But Tyler was not Josh. Tyler was the boy screaming into the sky and Josh was the boy who painted his walls in the words he heard.  
Josh saw tears fall from Tyler's face and onto the ground, saw his shoulders shake, saw his fingers skimming that band.  
What was Josh supposed to do? He couldn't even handle his own emotions, how could he help?? How could he help Tyler?  
'You can't.' Oh no. Ohnononononoohno. This was the last thing he needed. That voice was back now? Nononono no no. TylerTylerno. Tyler.  
'Emotions, you can't help yourself. You can't help him. Leave run leave can't help him go.'  
Josh was starting to panic and he just wanted that voice gone. This was not the time, he needed to help Tyler. He didn't have time to argue with his head.  
What was he supposed to do? How can he help? What does Tyler need? What does Tyler do?? How can he help. Tyler Tyler help Tyler. 

"Sing." The word was in his head and out of his mouth before he could process it.

Tyler probably hadn't heard him, he came closer. This was the most important thing now. That's what Tyler did. He sang, he helped. Singsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsing.

He crouched so he was in front of Tyler.

"Sing." He said again, vaguely aware that his voice had cracked. 

Tyler made no move, so Josh grabbed his shoulders. Tyler looked at him, his eyes weren't blank anymore and Josh felt like shouting out in joy.

"Sing, Tyler." He said and Tyler's head flopped down onto Josh's shoulder. 

"Okay."

Josh let go of his shoulders and brought his arms around to hug Tyler. He felt Tyler's shuddering calm slightly and his breathing grew more steady. 

 

"A stranger's back is all I see," Tyler's voice was rough, interrupted by his own heavy breathing. His mouth was directly on Josh's collar bone and the words vibrated through his neck. 

"He's only a few feet in front of me," Josh felt ridiculous, but he was calming down with Tyler.

"And I'll look left and sometimes right," He'd almost cried right along with Tyler, which was ridiculous because he's not the one who saw his mom in public. 

"But I'll fall in line." Josh figured that seeing Tyler cry had made him freak out which was weird. He should've done something sooner, god he was an idiot. 

"No one looks up anymore, cause you might get a raindrop in your eye," Tyler's voice was stronger now, coming out melodically instead of in huffs. 

"And Heaven forbid they see you cry, as we fall in line." As always, Josh knew Tyler's words were permanently engraving themselves into his mind. His hands were itching to write the lyrics down, so he pulled Tyler up. Tyler didn't seem to mind, shifting so he was leaning on Josh's side, but they could still walk. Josh shuffled forwards a little and Tyler followed suit, but Josh kept an sturdy arm around Tyler's back. 

"And about this time of every year, the line will go to the ocean pier," Josh was surprised that Tyler was still going, and he wondered how Tyler remembered all these lyrics. He guessed if he came up with something like that, he'd probably remember too. 

"And we'll walk right off into the sea, and then we fall asleep." Tyler's voice had grown louder and Josh was grateful they had moved from the edge and were farther into the forest now. Being that if anyone heard them and found them they'd have to hide or risk being reported as runaways. Which technically they were, but Josh couldn't have done this without Tyler. Tyler was the bravest person he'd ever met, even now with shudders and hiccups. Josh hadn't noticed Tyler had grown quiet and quickly looked over to him. He had his eyes closed and tears were still on his face.

"Dude you have mad long eyelashes." Josh commented before realizing he said it outloud. 

Tyler's eyes opened and he smiled, Josh cut him off before he could say anything. 

"Look we're here." He said, pointing to his bag hanging from the tree they'd left it in. He helped Tyler sit down and winced. His arm was healing well, but sometimes when he moved it a certain way it shot pain up his elbow. Of course, Tyler noticed.

"Sorry." He mumbled. 

"It's okay, it's just my arm." Josh answered, grabbing his bag before sitting with Tyler.

"No I mean... Sorry."

"I know.. it's okay."

They sat quietly and Josh swore he hated the noise his pen was making on the paper. Since when did it get this loud? Why hadn't he noticed how loud of a writer he was before? Loud, loud, why was it so loud?

"Josh." 

Josh almost jumped, but managed to control himself.

"Yeah?" 

"Thank you." 

Josh turned so he was facing Tyler, moving his notebook to the ground. 

"For what?"

Tyler caught his gaze. "For telling me to sing."

Josh opened his mouth and then shut it. How was he supposed to respond? "You don't need to... I was just.. I was thinking about what you would do.. because I wanted to help.. I don't..." 

Tyler shook his head, smiling slightly and Josh cursed his lack of words. 

"No, thank you. Because I would've sat there on the floor for hours if you wouldn't have picked me up and had me focus on singing. Thank you for being here, Josh."

Tyler shut his eyes and leaned back against the trunk leaving Josh to mumble, "Yeah man, always.." 

 

_____________________

 

= Something in Tyler's stomach felt off. Like he'd swallowed a bowling ball and now it was just chilling in his stomach. He felt so so so so wrong. Seeing his mom like that had gone from shock and then anger, and then anger had turned to panic, and then anxiety, and then Josh. He probably would've thrown up if Josh hadn't been there to help him, and he felt so bad about it. Because dragging Josh around like that probably scared him half to death and Tyler just wanted to apologize so so so bad but every time he apologized Josh brushed it off and how was he supposed to show Josh how much he cared about him when he could barely speak without tear sparking up? 

"Josh." Tyler opened his eyes to see Josh's eyes already on him. His face got red and he quickly looked at the ground. Tyler grinned, he wasn't entirely sure why or what happened to have him suddenly full of a giddy happiness, but he was ready.

"Staring is rude Josh."

"Yeah well so is sleeping during a conversation." Josh said hotly.

"I wasn't asleep."

"Well then it's even more rude to ignore people."

"You like it."

"What, neglect? I disagree."

"No, the quiet. You like it."

"I also like your voice." Josh said and then slapped his hands over his face. His face was turning red again and Tyler found himself grinning again.

 

_____________________

 

= For some reason, apparently Josh could not hold back his commentary today. Why did he have to speak?

"Anyways, Josh. Do you have a piece of paper and pencil I could borrow?"

"Yeah?" Josh was glad for the change in subject, but he had no idea what Tyler would need paper and a pencil for.

He tore a piece out and gave it to Tyler, and then went searching for a pencil.

"I only have a pen." He said after finding three highlighters in his bag. Why did he have those? Where did they come from? He never even used highlighters.

"That's even better!" Tyler said happily, taking the pen from him. And although Josh felt himself smile back, he could not possibly fathom what Tyler was talking about. He watched Tyler's hands make quick work of folding the paper into little rectangles.

"You've got piano hands." Josh said and then bit his tongue. Hard.  
'WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYHWHYHWHWHWYHHWYHWHYWYHWYWHy CONTROLYOURSELF PLEASE JOSH OHM Y GOD'

Tyler grinned at him again and Josh refused to look at him and settled for glaring at a leaf, until he heard ripping sounds. He turned to see Tyler seperating two little rectangles before pausing and looking at Josh directly in the eye. He dropped the paper to the ground. 

"Josh take your pants off." 

Well if he wasn't blushing before, he definitely was now.

"What?!!!" 

"Actually wait, you don't need to. Just come here." Tyler said, moving closer to him. Josh caught his wrists.

"Woah woah woah, what are you doing???" 

Tyler looked irritated at being stopped. "Well I'll show you if you let go of me."

"You just to me to take my pants off." 

"Yes, and then I said you didn't have to." Tyler replied evenly.

Josh opened his mouth to argue but found he didn't even know where to start. He sighed and released his arms. Tyler grinned.

"Good, now sit like this please." Tyler said, resting on the balls of his feet so he was squatting. Josh copied him reluctantly and Tyler's finger grazed over his knee, which was poking out through the hole in his jeans. His hand came to rest and then Tyler put the pen on his skin. 

"Tyler what-"

Tyler shushed him, "Just trust." He said and Josh, half in shock at being shushed, stayed quiet. 

30 seconds later and Tyler was still writing.

"Tyler." Tyler's head snapped up and he blinked before grinning. 

"Sorry, I think I blacked out." He said before moving his hands to reveal a very darkly marked "T-y-l-e-r" on his knee.

Josh laughed despite himself before watching Tyler stand up and unbutton his jeans.

"TyLER!" Josh said, throwing his hands over his face, mostly to hide his red face.

"Relax, I've got basketball shorts on."

Josh looked to see indeed he had somehow managed to fit white basket ball shorts under his jeans. 

"Start telling me what you're doing. I'm going to have a heart attack." Josh muttered.

Tyler laid on the ground and threw his leg onto Josh's lap. "Your turn."

Josh took the pen despite himself because if Tyler's name was on him, he wanted his name on Tyler.

"You need to bend your knee." Josh said and Tyler hiked his basketball shorts up much higher then his knees, which was totally not distracting in the least. 

Josh sighed and placed his hand on Tyler's leg. He managed to write two letters before,

"Wandering fingers, Josh?" 

Josh's face was probably a tomato by now. "Shut up! No they aren't." He said rushing through the last two and pulling his hands away. 

Tyler sat up and looked at his leg. And then bust up laughing.

"Josh.. How did you manage..." He said before collapsing into another fit of laughter.

Josh looked at his leg. Oh god.

Josh had written out his name as "j-o-S-H". 

He wished he could descend into the dirt.

"Why did you not capitalize the J?? Why did you with the S and H??"

"I don't know, shut up. I messed up." Josh said, too embarrassed to think of a comeback.

"It's only four letters Josh." 

Josh could feel a grin forming on his face despite everything. 

"I was distracted by those ugly shorts."

"Yeah okay, joSH."


	10. tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh sacrifices his sanity for Tyler's small flesh wound and then it gets increasingly worse. Panic attack-prone and also Abbie and Tyler moments for ya. This chapter is almost entirely Josh freaking out so read in mind-set of anxiety boi.  
> Also, for once this chapter doesn't start with "Josh woke up to.."

= Josh wasn't entirely sure which version of Tyler he was speaking to. Mainly because it kept changing. By "version", he didn't mean dream Tyler or anything; He meant that Tyler kept going from light-hearted and joking, to serious and thoughtful, to shut down completely, to vacant staring and hums. Not that Josh blamed him, he knew seeing his mom had shocked him completely and knew singing had helped him and then the pen tattoos was his first mood switch, but he'd quickly shifted into a silence. Josh knew singing wasn't the end all cure, but how else was he supposed to help? He'd figured that the least he could do was sit with him and make sure he didn't start crying again, so that's what he'd done. Now they both sat with their backs to a tree, Tyler occasionally muttering out fragments that Josh would write down in his notebook.   
It'd been silent for a little too long when Josh noticed movement in his peripheral vision and turned to see Tyler clawing at the marks on his wrist. 

"Tyler!" He hissed and grabbed Tyler's unmarked hand, holding it above his head. 

Tyler blinked at him slowly and something came into his eyes. Josh was struck with the realization that he'd probably zoned out and started picking at it absentmindedly. Tyler's eyes trailed down to his wrist which had before been angry red puckered skin, and now was starting to bleed and looked suspiciously like a bad burn. Tyler blinked again and turned his wrist over to wipe the blood on his jeans and Josh produced a strangled sounding noise, grabbing Tyler's arm at the elbow. 

"Don't do that you have dirt on your jeans it'll get infected." 

Tyler blinked once again and Josh saw tears forming at his eyes, his stomach dropped and he let go of Tyler's good hand, which immediately went to his brown hair and began to tug.

"I didn't notice.." Tyler said and Josh nodded, wincing at the state of Tyler's voice. 

Why hadn't Josh seen earlier, why hadn't he broken the silence, why wasn't he watching. This was his fault, his fault, his fault

"We need to bandage this." He said gently and Tyler sniffed.

"I'm out of shirts to rip up.." 

Josh nodded again. His own shirts were too dirty to wrap around Tyler's arm. But this was his fault.. he needed to fix it.. fixitfixitfixhim.  
Josh swallowed thickly, still looking at Tyler's wrist.

"Let's go get some more."

Tyler frowned. "What?"

Josh was pretty sure there was a live mouse in his stomach. "Let's go get some more of my shirts." His voice was too high and his mind was spinning. 

"Josh we aren't going to your house. I'm not hurt bad anyways this will heal by itself." 

Josh shook his head, but stopped because he was afraid the motion would cause him to throw up. "I need my clothes anyways. No one is there." 

He looked up at the sky, it was probably noon, so he wasn't lying. His parents would be at work and his siblings would be at school. 

Tyler was quiet now, but still frowning, forming an argument. Josh stood before he could start. 

"C'mon, it's okay." He said, trying to convince himself as well. He was being stupidstupistupid he shouldn't be going back. He was finally out he was living some sort of sream in a forest and now he was trying to go back. But he knew for a fact that there was neosporin under the bathroom sink and he had plenty of clothes to stuff in his backpack. And every time he glanced at Tyler's wrist it made him feel sick. His faulthisfault hisfault. He had to fix it fix it. 

"Josh let's just... i don't know lets find some random store and steal a sheet or something." 

He glanced to Tyler, who was walking with him, still pulling on his hair. "We aren't resorting to petty theft, Tyler. This is fine, I'm okay." 

Josh's stomach was boiling.   
In all the time he'd known Tyler, he'd never seen him like this. He'd seen him cry, his eyes red and puffy, heard his voice rough and scratchy. He knew gentle Tyler and child-like Tyler who didn't understand Brendon's jokes or Josh's awkwardness. But this Tyler was vacant. Josh couldn't stop thinking about the complete loss of life in Tyler's eyes when he'd seen his mom. He kept checking them to make sure he was okay. It was definitely not normal, but his eyes weren't the same. Maybe Josh was crazy maybe it was something only he could see but he was so so so so so so so desperate to get his eyes back to normal. The emptiness had scared him, it didn't even look like Tyler it was terrifying, like he'd seen him die or something. When Tyler sang, his eyes nearly exploded with whatever it was that was missing now. When he's drawn on Josh's leg, his eyes had been back to normal and Josh thought everything was okay for the time and now itwasntitwasntfixitfixhim.   
Josh choked when his eyes recognized the shape of his house and he stopped walking.  
Tyler's response was immediate, one hand on Josh's forehead, the other bracing his arm, concern in his eyes. And that thing. That thing was there, it was faint but it was there mixed with worry it was TylerTylerTyler. Josh latched onto it, figuratively and literally.   
He grabbed the back of Tyler's neck with his hands and stared into his eyes. They were now alarmed, but still good. Josh took a breath. His fault, he needed to do this for TylerforTylerforTyler. He needed to get stuff. No one was homenoonenoone. He was fine he was completely and totally okay and it would be fine and he was fine and Tyler needed to be okay and if Josh could cover his wrist he'd stop feeling so guilty and Tyler wouldn't have to look at it and he needed to do this. 

He let go of Tyler's neck and nodded, beginning to walk again.

"Josh.." Tyler's hand was still on his arm. 

Josh didn't say anything, just moved his arm up until he was holding Tyler's hand.  
He wasn't sure if he was trying to comfort Tyler or himself.   
He marched with his jaw set, letting his gaze unfocus as they came closer. He felt Tyler squeeze his hand and he looked back at him. He was chewing on his lip, eyes concerned, his other hand working in his hair. 

"Josh.. just let me.. I can be out and in... you can stay here." Tyler said as they came to the tree. 

Josh was pretty certain that he was going to throw up. He shook his head firmly. He would not allow himself to make Tyler go in there by himself. 

"C'mon." He said, turning towards the tree. He paused, willing himself to let go of Tyler's hand, but his fingers wouldn't straighten. 

"It's okay.. I'll follow right behind, you don't have to let go."

Josh figured if he wasn't so distracted, his face would be burning. He re-addressed the tree, he'd done this a thousand times, he could do it with one hand tied behind his back, right?  
He grabbed around the tree with one arm, hiking his leg onto a knot and pushing himself up, Tyler was right behind him, situating his foot on a slightly smaller, slightly lower knot. Once again, Josh figured if he wasn't so focused on not puking, he'd probably be blushing.

'This wouldn't be happening if you could just let go of his hand.' 

But he didn't, and he grabbed the lower branch, pulling himself up and kicking his legs over. It was definitely slower going and a little precarious because they both had to start on the same branch, but maybe that's what Josh needed. Easing himself into this.  
They made it to the roof and Josh knew his hand was sweating and he knew Tyler probably thought he was an idiot, but he didn't regret it. He paused in front of where he knew he needed to drop down to get into his window. 

"Let me go first." Tyler said, and before Josh could object he started walking. Josh crouched down so tyler could turn around and swing his legs over the house without letting go of his hand. He braced himself with his free arm over the side and kicked into Josh's window until he found the latch and kicked it sideways to slide the window open and then looked up at Josh. 

"I'm going to go in so I'll have to let go really quickly, okay?"

Josh nodded stiffly and Tyler stayed for a few more seconds before removing himself from Josh's grip and slipping inside the window.   
Instantly, Josh's stomach dropped and he missed the warmth he had apparently been getting from Tyler. He closed his eyes and swung down, moving mechanically.   
His hip grazed the frame of the window and then he was looking at his room. He took in dried blood on the dresser and the big bold words leering at him before there was a pressure in his hand and brown eyes in front of his.

"Hey, look at me." 

Josh couldn't speak but he focused silently on Tyler's eyes. 

"We're okay, you're okay, I'm right here."

Josh almost snorted. He was supposed to be the one helping Tyler. He nodded and took a few more seconds of looking into brown before he moved to the dresser. He opened a drawer and started handing clothes to Tyler. His yes drifted to the blood, it looked like it had been badly scrubbed away. Josh frowned when it started moving slightly. The whole room was shaking. He blinked, focusing on the washed blood. 

'Ashley' Josh thought knowingly. She'd probably tried to get the paint off the walls too. He looked up and sure enough, the black writing was now faded gray and chipped off in some parts. It still ultimately read the same way and Josh felt a pang of guilt. His fault. Shaking, shaking, why was the room shaking?

Tyler squeezed his hand and Josh found himself seeking comfort in his eyes again, but this time Tyler moved closer and rested his head on Josh's chest. Josh put his chin on Tyler's head and Tyler put his free hand over Josh's eyes.

"What are you doing?" Josh asked, hating how numb his voice sounded.

"Listen to me okay?"

"Okay."

"What do we need to get?" 

"Stuff from the bathroom." 

"Where is it?" 

"Downstairs."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Can you feel me?"

"What? Yeah obviously, you're hugging me-"

"No, pay attention. Focus Josh, can you feel me?"

Josh frowned under Tyler's hand. Tyler's face was against his chest and his body was pressed against him, Josh's hand on his back. Tyler's breathing was steady and Josh realized the shaking he'd been feeling was him. His legs were wobbling. He focused on matching Tyler's breathing.

"Yes, I feel you." He said, his voice better now.

"Okay, Keep feeling me." Tyler said pulling away and moving his hand. Josh couldn't see anything except brown hair, brown eyes, and tan skin.  
He knew the blood and paint were behind him but all he could focus on was that that thing was still in Tyler's eyes and he wanted to cry with joy.

"Keep feeling me." Tyler repeated, squeezing his hand. Josh nodded and kept his eyes on their interlocked hands as Tyler moved towards the door. 

God he felt dumb. He felt like a scared little kid and he just wanted to run away, but he wouldn't. Tyler was his anchor and now they were in the hallway and now they were at the stairs and he wanted runrunrunrunrunrun runrun run. 

"Skip this step." He muttered, and Tyler didn't question, just lightly jumped over the space that Josh knew emitted a horrible creak. He didn't want to hear it. 

They were in the kitchen doorway when Josh's eyes focused on Abigail. They were in the kitchen doorway when Tyler's breath hitched. They were in the kitchen door way when Abbie's gaze sliced through him. Her mouth was open, but it quickly closed. She stood up straight, her eyes moving from Josh to Tyler, to their intertwined hands, back to Josh's eyes. And she held him there like she always did.  
Both a million things and nothing was going through his head at once. 'Why was she home?' Is the only intelligible thought he could produce. And then his eyes registered the left side of her face was an array of blue-purple-green-black.

And Josh promptly vomited.

 

________________________

 

= "Josh!" Tyler grabbed Josh's shoulders gently and braced himself in case Josh fell over or something. But he didn't, instead he finished vomiting and then looked back at the girl in front of them. His eyes were wide and scared and he looked like how he'd looked the first couple of times they'd met. 

"Abbie..." Josh murmured.

"Josh." The girl said, her voice clear and strong. Tyler took her in. She was small, short and thin. Her face was strong and stubborn and locked like she didn't have emotions, but behind her eyes Tyler could see a little girl. When she looked it Josh it was clearer. Her gaze settled on Tyler, and Tyler stared right back. He wasn't trying to be rude, more he didn't know what to say.   
She stared at him for a moment longer before her brow quirked and she focused back on Josh. Tyler turned too.

"Josh, you're okay. Look at me, we're okay." Tyler didn't know how much of what he was saying was true, but Josh was looking at him and his breathing was slowing down so he didn't regret saying it. 

Josh's gaze fitted back to his sister and he straightened slowly. "Abbie... This is Tyler." 

Tyler blinked. Okay. That wasn't what he was expecting to be the first thing out of Josh's mouth. 

"Why is he here?" She asked, her voice not harsh, just curious.

"I need him to be here." 

Tyler tried his best not to blush at that, and with some difficulty, he manged to take his eyes off Josh and look at Abbie again.

"Why are you here?" she was talking about Josh now, again her voice was nothing but curiosity.

"I needed my stuff." Josh's voice was becoming more solid, more monotonous. Like he was shutting off. 

"So you aren't staying?" 

 

________________________

 

= There it was. The million dollar question. His eyes found Tyler, who was watching Abbie quietly. He set his jaw.

"No I'm not." 

Abbie nodded. "I know what Dad did, I followed him up."

Josh wanted to cry.

"It was the same night he did this." Abbie said, motioning to her bruising face. Josh's stomach clenched, he felt like throwing up again.

When it was obvious Josh had no answer, Abbie took it upon herself to ask, "What did you come down here for?"   
The way she said it made Josh's heart do something weird. And his breathing which already wasn't great, was more erratic, and his mind was yelling at him, and his hands were sweaty, and he was torn between wanting to run away and wanting to sit down and nail his hands to the floor. Here he was, weeks after leaving his fucking siblings alone in this place, with a boy she's never met, snaking around getting his stuff; and Abbie wanted nothing but to help him. He felt that familiar shaking again. God he was stupidstupid how could he leave them here? He barely even thought about them he was off in lala land pretending like nothing mattered in the world and here Abbie was with a face so bad she couldn't go to school. He was such a coward he should've been here. But he couldn't do anything anyways he was useless and a coward, what a hero. He hated himself and his audacity. He was hyperventilating and Abbie's eyes were boring into him. Tyler squeezed his hand but this time did not step in front of him, he stepped towards Abbie, letting his hand fall out of Josh's.  
but before he could say anything, Tyler stepped towards Abbie.

She frowned, instinctively jerking back, her eyes distrustful. It wasn't his fault, just a reflex.   
Tyler paused, lifting his hands up, palms towards her.

"it's okay, I just want to see how far along the bruise is." His voice was gentle and Josh wanted to melt into it. Apparently it had the same effect on Abbie because her eyes softened slightly and after looking back at Josh once, she nodded warily.

Tyler moved his hands slowly, and paused right before he touched her face. 

"Tell me if you want me to stop, okay?"

Abbie nodded once and Tyler's long piano fingers fluttered over her cheekbone and lightly around her eye. Josh was in awe, he'd never seen Abbie so open with someone. Tyler's eyes were gentle and full of that stuff. Josh almost smiled.  
When Tyler pulled back he stepped back next to Josh again.

"It's almost healed, the coloring makes it look worse than it actually is." He said quietly. 

"It hasn't hurt for the past couple of days, but I can't go to school with it." She said, eyes trained on Tyler now. Maybe Tyler had a stupefying effect on all the Dun siblings. 

Josh almost laughed when Tyler looked back at Abbie. They had twin gazes and neither of them faltered. Abbie was trying to search him but there was no way to pick apart a soul like Tyler's. Josh wondered if Abbie saw the stuff in his eyes too.   
His hand found Tyler's again and he instantly felt a little better. 

He took a deep breath through his nose, and then exhaled it. When he looked up, both Abbie and Tyler were looking at him with curiosity. It made him want to run and squirm, but also filled his chest with something similar to.. pride? No, that wasn't right.

"I'll be right back." Josh said, ignoring Tyler's raised eyebrows and turning to go to the bathroom. 

His head felt too tight, his heart was too fast, body too slow, breathing too quick, thoughts too random. Hisfaulthisfaulthisfault. 

He shut the bathroom door behind him, his fault.

Leaning against the wood he tried to separate one thing from another. Abbie. Abbie was one thing. Here she was not even mad her brother had left her to bear the punishments of his actions. His fault god, he hated himself.   
Tyler. Tyler was here entirely for him. This whole trip was supposed to be about helping Tyler. That's right.   
Tyler's wrist. The thought of it was enough for Josh to squat down and open the cabinet under the sink.   
He thought about the way Tyler looked at his mom, did Josh look at Abbie like that? No, no he wasn't mad at Abbie just... scared for her? His fault.  
He was probably scaring the shit out of Tyler, then again Tyler had never once judged him before.   
His hands closed around a tube of medicine he recognized and he hastily shoved it, and ace bandages into his bag.   
He felt a pang of guilt, what if his siblings needed these? His fault His fault.   
A thought struck him as he opened the bathroom door. 

This was his fault, so how was he going to fix it? 

Entering the kitchen he found Abbie sat on the floor, and Tyler crouched next to her. They both looked at him and Josh thought he might laugh. He wondered how two wildly different people could seem so alike. How could this broken, lanky, 18 year old, homeless boy; seem so similar to this fiery, stubborn, damaged eleven year old.   
He loved them. He hated himself. His fault. 

All at once he felt wetness in his eyes. His mouth opened and the words were out without him realizing.

"Abbie you know the police officers at your school?" 

Abbie frowned, nodding at him.

"I need you to go to school tomorrow, I need you to show them your face, your arms, your scars, I need you to tell them."

Fear, and confusion flashed in Abbie's eyes. He didn't look at Tyler.

"I need you to tell them every thing. Every little thing mom and dad have done. I know your stubborn, do not let them take you back here. Tell them about everything they've done to Ashley and Jordan. If they try to bring you back here, kick and scream. Throw a tantrum."

Abbie's mouth was opening and Josh's heart was firing. "But.."

"No. You have to. I let this happen for so long. You have to get yourself and Ashley and jordan out of here. No matter what."

"Josh what about you."

Josh finally let himself make eye contact with Tyler. His expression was undeterminable. 

"Don't mention me."

"What???" 

"Don't mention me. Tell them about you and Ashley and Jordan. They won't ask until they do a full investigation, and when they do, tell them the truth. Say that I left you guys here all the time, I was never home, say you haven't seen me in a month, the story will match up with school's records too. Don't say anything to Ashley or Jordan about this. Don't talk about Tyler." Josh said, eyes still on Tyler. 

"Josh..." Abbie's eyes were now brewing with tears, but she was nodding. 

He let himself hug Abbie for 8 seconds. Because it was how many times he'd thought about doing this seriously. 8 seconds and then he pulled away and looked to Tyler. Tyler who was still unreadable, still crouched next to Abbie. Still with that mark on his arm and stuff in his eyes. 

"Let's go."


	11. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Listen I know this would never work in real life but like shh let me do this okay. Also let me know what you think. also you're welcome. Also I'm sorry.

= Everything was moving in Josh's perspective. It was Abbie's thin arms roping around Tyler in a hug that neither of them were expecting. It was Tyler's hesitant but accepting hug in response. It was Josh's eyes scanning every portion of her face in hopes he'd never forget. It was the run out the door towards his forest. It was his head turning to see Abbie's face in the doorway. Then it was his heart, probably faster than it had ever been before. Then it was his thoughts trying to catch up with him, but he wouldn't focus on that. It was the swing of Tyler's arm as he pulled his bag over his shoulder.   
And finally, it was Tyler's slim fingers playing with the rubber band on his wrist. Not snapping it against his already irritated skin, just kind of twirling it around. 

"Let's fix that first." Josh said, pulling his bag around to take out the bandages. His voice was slightly choked off and too high. 

Tyler had concern written all over his face and Josh tried his hardest to avoid eye contact, but Tyler was adamant and as soon as Josh gave in and met his gaze, Tyler was firing questions.

"Josh, are you sure about this? Because you know we might not be able to. And logically there's no way, and what are we gonna do for food or like, shelter? We can't stay here, this'll be the first place they search and are you sure you want to leave them because you won't be able to see them you know? And what about directions and-"

"Tyler." Tyler stopped, but Josh could tell he wasn't finished.

"Tyler, I can't stay here."

And that was that. Concern was wiped from Tyler's eyes and replaced by that thing Josh had tried so hard to get back. Josh was grinning then, and then so was Tyler, and then they were both laughing at the absurdity of it all. Eyes met again and Josh's mind slowed down, Tyler's smile fell to a smirk, Josh felt his lips pulling till his expression matched. And there was a settled peace for a moment where Josh was literally and figuratively lost in Tyler's eyes.

Then Tyler blinked and everything was moving again. Then, it was Josh was wrapping Tyler's wrist all the way down half his forearm, just to be safe. It was the too short walk to the edge of the main forest where it met a less-used road.  
It was probably the type of road you'd see in a movie about a murder. Long and surrounded by trees that you could make shapes out of if you looked hard enough. 

"You're sure?" Tyler asked one more time, probably for good measure. His fingers twisted in the rubber band. 

Josh knew it was dumb and he was being selfish again by doing this, and he should be with his siblings, and he'd probably have a panic attack about it later, but he had never been more sure about something in his life. So, he nodded. 

Tyler turned and scanned the forest behind them, and Josh followed suit. This side was normally one he stayed away from because homeless people were more frequent, but Josh figured now he was one of them. He looked up at Tyler and found him still gazing into the trees. Josh realized that this place had been Tyler's far before he'd ever started using it. This was Tyler's safe place, and he was leaving it for Josh.  
Josh suddenly drowning in all sorts of emotions.   
Guilt, primarily. Then a deep respect and reverence towards Tyler, and he could barely speak. He managed a squeak, causing Tyler to look at him. He wanted to reach out to him, so he did. He touched his hand and then guided it away from the rubberband and to his side. Tyler didn't pull away, so Josh decided "Fuck it", and moved closer. They were nearly nose to nose now, hot breath in each other's faces, but it was a common practice after sleeping in close proximity of each other and having no general boundaries. So when he spoke and his breath fanned over Tyler's face, he didn't flinch.

"You don't have to go." Josh said, even though everything in him was screaming otherwise.

Tyler didn't reply so Josh kept talking. "My sister won't mention you, if you hide out while they search the forest, you could still stay here and make it." 

Tyler took a deep breath and stepped away from Josh. Josh had to fight to keep from scrambling to touch him again. 

"No Josh-" Tyler's hand was back on his band, twisting and pulling, but Josh was rambling now.

"Because I understand, I promise I do I really do.." Josh felt his voice crack.

"No. I can't stay here any longer." Tyler said and Josh wasn't sure what emotion he was supposed to express. Because god, he was relieved. No matter how disgusted he was with himself, he was absolutely giddy that Tyler was coming. Because no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he would be happy if Tyler was happy with living here, he knew he was lying to himself. He needed Tyler. And he needed Tyler away from this godforsaken place. Because he was horrendously selfish and a horrible person, and he didn't care. He wanted to laugh, tears flooding towards his eyes. 

"There's nothing here for me anymore, there hasn't been in a long time." Tyler continued and Josh couldn't even acknowledge him because he was too busy being paralyzed by the stuff in Tyler's eyes, stronger and more vivid than ever. In a fluid movement Tyler wrenched his arm forwards and Josh registered the snapping noise as he stared at the rubberband, now broken and lying in the dirt of the forest. 

Josh opened his mouth but nothing came out as Tyler turned to him. Josh was suddenly overwhelmed in the best way with Tyler. But then again, he always had been. He always knew he'd drown in Tyler, but this was entirely different. He realised why he was so sure about leaving his house.   
Tyler was his home.

"Do you trust me?" Tyler asked with a grin. Josh found himself nodding with no hesitation and Tyler closed the gap between them with a single step and his mouth was on Josh's once again. 

 

_________________

 

= Tyler was some kind of vindictive excitement and an overwhelming pride in Josh. He had done so well, he had faced everything he was afraid was, and while Tyler knew they were physically running away; mentally, Josh had beat the barriers in his head. That was all Tyler cared about. He could hold Josh through tremors and dreams, he could wipe tears and sing soothing words, but he could not get into Josh's head and heal, that was something Josh had to do. And he'd just made as huge step.  
When Tyler voiced this to Josh, he had grinned and said,

"That's so not true."

Tyler frowned then, they were walking hand in hand through a type of dense tree-grass-area-type thing. "What do you mean?"

"You've helped me in more ways than you can ever imagine, Tyler Joseph"

And then Tyler looked down at his bare arms and smiled. "And you for me." He said, brandishing his free wrist. 

Josh's grin grew and Tyler knew, broken did not mean unfixable. 

So they kept walking, and they would continue to do just that until they found some other forest to make a house out of. Or maybe they'd find some small abandoned treehouse or abandoned warehouse. Hell, maybe they'd find a winning lottery ticket on the ground and become rich beyond belief, or maybe they'd scrounge for pennied and have to rely on park benches to keep them out of the rain. They didn't much care. They were home.


End file.
